Fractions

"I am not fly, I am levitation

I represent an entire generation" -Nicki Minaj

As a kid, my biggest fear was time. The way no one can grab hold of the seconds that just passed, and before I knew, I was older and somewhere new. As a 9 new-old, it was scary to think that 1/10th or 1/9th of life could be over.

Time still scares me. Not death, per-say, but time... and the way it could never be ample enough to love someone enough. It's a treasure because it can't be controlled.

I can't sew but as a kid, I wanted to be a fashion designer. Mainly because, no one in Maine could dress and there was no UMPTH in anyone's personality. It was all bland and pale like the state itself. I spent my time creating designer cardboards of pieces I liked that would go well together. Tims, white jeans, blazers, lace dresses, big ear-rings, green eye-shadow, red lipstick, classic adidas, heels, stilettos, peep toes, aka shoes and more shoes. Very materialistic because I liked THINGS and I still like things. But I don't spend time making cardboards with the right outfits or care about Christmas and getting any of these things, or receiving money to buy things.

I've never owned an I-Pod, can barely use a MAC, and my phone is a brick with no internet access. I still hand-write letters from time to time. Yet, oddly enough, I'm the happiest I remember being. Because instead of things, I cherish time. The time I spend making food for the people I love, with love. Time doing nothing but being in the moment and cherishing the presence of having the person I love there. Time seeing the special traits of each person as they go through the mundane of everyday life. Time to dress-up and feel like a woman for a loved one and seeing that smile for two immeasurable seconds... corny shit like that stays with me for years.

I don't keep in contact with anyone nearly enough because I'm afraid of the mundane... of saying nothing... of keeping up for the sake of obligation... I guess it makes me cherish the short, intensive, time more. It makes the memories more vivid. I'm twisted.

Learning to be at peace with being alone is a process. It's a gift to not be consistently in need of others' affirmation.

Self affirmation:

I never thought I could do a 7:45 mile... let alone a number of them consecutively.

Feel most beautiful first thing in the morning with my hair in a pony-tail, no make-up, in my pj's.

Or make my own curry/ies, butternut squash soup, home-made smoothies, and a variety of different stir fries just to my liking.

Discovering cooking and doing it in a way that's good for one's health and taste buds... is pretty damn feminist and pretty damn amazing.

But now with 'time', I can see where my mother is coming from when she cooks with love for my brother and my father. And I can see where the time to clean and make a presentable home for one's family to come HOME to comes from. AND that attention to detail seems more about love and less about domesticity-- none of the wifey things keep her from being blunt, independent, down-to-earth, kickass. All that to say that as I'm becoming self reliant and self-able, I don't give my time because it's what I'm "supposed" to do or because I want affirmation... I'll do whatever I please. Rather, it's the best thing I can give... and it's more fun to share homemade curries, race someone (and beat them), and go on road-trips with people.

Alone time allows for a lot of growth, self-examinations, poetry, LOVE IT.

Interspersed with people time where the growth and love for people can be realized... LOVE THAT MORE. Because life is fucking short and those moments are shorter.

This song reminds me of 'time' but it also proves that I can be totally shallow and like Miley Cyrus videos if I please.