Fathers

"Human being to the mob
What’s a mob to a king?
What’s a king to a god?
What’s a god to a non-believer?
Who don’t believe in anything?" Frank Ocean in Jay-Z & Kanye's "No Church in the Wild"

June 19: Part C

The outskirts of D.C. was isolating so I think I wanted to run. But I've come to realize that Boston or Philadelphia would be as well. Mainly because my personality is too introverted for anywhere but home to not be isolating… and that’s what I am ultimately searching for, my own home; not my parents’ or family’s, but my own.

My job hunt has been trying and so I found myself focused on Boston because it was closer and safer. 

I was in Wheaton, and Wheaton is not D.C., not similar to D.C., neither the monetarily richer areas of D.C. or the culturally richer areas. I wasn’t in D.C. enough to give myself to it  so the community didn’t give back all the love that it had. While it is isolating, it is beautiful, and I can't say that Boston, outside of the immigrant communities, is nearly as beautiful.  

I didn't see anyone looking out for me, so I insisted on running back, but I might as well run back home in that case. I need to take a closer look at myself in the mirror, understand my personality, and not be so afraid to face it. Loneliness and self-understanding is part of the experience that creates strength. Although I am never the life of the party, I find that everywhere I go there are a few people who genuinely give my heart joy, which is more valuable than the combination of 20 acquaintances or quasi-friends. Home is my mom’s nest but I am in my mid twenties, I am my own person—and mom’s home feels empty, loving but enabling, and disempowering. I need to sit down in Portland, deeply re-evaluate my next steps, that I stepped into DC as thousands of other grads do, but didn’t go full circle with it is feeling wrong and insincere.

-- 

When the bus is relatively empty, or there are at least 2 empty seats next to one another and a stranger decides to sit next to me, it makes me rather uncomfortable.

Domesticated pets as well. 

Same thing when I'm walking down the street and a person decides he wants to strike up a convo. 

Yet I spent a year working with seniors who want to know more about me than just what I can do for them. And at first, that made me hella uncomfortable. I've learned through group outings that my intimacy levels are, let's say, a work in progress.

It blows my my mind. Seniors who have been around have seen a rotating door of young interns/fellows come and go. Outside my current organization, those who are old enough have seen friends and relatives pass. The older you get, the more you see. And I'm just another 24 year-old who is leaving and never looking back after some have connected to me.

But for them, children and grandchildren move out, and "the wild days are over, the wild days are done", and they just want to have a chance to connect to this generation. This generation is not only distant from ourselves because of social media, insecurity issues and narcissistic blogs (or a combination of the two latter ones) but also from families and elders. 

I don't doubt that there will continue to be people like me who will serve because it makes us feel good before we move onto an "actual career" but I wonder how the seniors are so resilient with the rotating doors of people who serve for selfish purposes.

My birthday always falls next to Father's Day. And we always celebrated my B-Day but seldom celebrated Father's Day. It wasn't a big deal.

Young girls resent their fathers, it's a fact of life. I used to pick out his flaws like there was no tomorrow, argue with him about how to be progressive, and progressive parenting, do the opposite of things he said.
But now I think about what it's like for a young man, especially a prideful blue collar, young man of color, to be denied opportunities because of race, ethnicity, and education ... knowing far too well that he's smarter and more capable than people given those opportunities...
and to sit with that pride, while often having to put that aside to raise a girl who is beyond stubborn and challenging. The hetero-normative value system is undoubtedly greater in communities of color. Men are socialized to be emotionally unavailable, dismissive, hard, often obliviously demeaning or misogynistic…
and women like myself consistently lure in that kind...
because believe it or not, we're socialized to prefer them that way--
I don't deal well with sensitive people, let along men--
but when it comes time to raising a girl...
they're screwed...
and as a result, generations of women who need male guidance--
and men who are again raised to be emotionless bastards--
are perpetually screwed.

So it was a lose-lose. But whatever Dad did, no matter how wrong I thought he was, he was wiser than me. While mom taught me love, he taught me empathy and humility. The way our relationship has grown, how his connection with my brother has grown leaps and bounds, and the family he's kept together makes me look at my ring finger from time to time like, I do want to find someone I can grow old and fat with.

But I'm hilariously jaded about love at the ripe old age of 24.

Speaking of jaded, Mr. Ocean is this month's muse. Quite the song-writer.