Soundtrack

"And when the daylight comes I’ll have to go

But, tonight I’m ‘gonna hold you so close
‘Cuz in the daylight, we’ll be on our own
But, tonight I need to hold you so close" -Maroon 5

Recently, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey poked some fun at Taylor Swift for her endless carousel of boyfriends turned exes and the breakup songs that followed them. After all, Taylor is in her 20s now and she can't afford to be as obsessed with boys as she was in her teens. Or to be so open and unapologetic about it.

Taylor responded by saying women ought to support other women brave enough to share their feelings and personal life. Although my social media and blog are nowhere close to that magnitude, I struggle with how much to reveal versus how much to bite my tongue. At what point does the ridiculous outweigh the fact that my loved ones are informed about what's going on with me and some people out there can relate to what I post?

But I think in some sense, Taylor, or Coldplay's Chris Martin, or NaS do what they do for themselves first, and the fact that their stories become a soundtrack for regular people going through the same things is just an effect. Everything in this world today is about coolness, and escape, and instant gratification... that it's essential to clear your head, whether through running, or writing, or dreaming, and recognize what you're made for and want. Everything is so instant, that life can easily pass by before you have time to create your own big picture narrative. 

Taylor, Nas, and Chris Martin are not cool people but they strive to be in touch with themselves at each stage in their lives. In my teens and twenties, it's about lovers and relationships, finding a place of my own, education, travel, career anxiety, and the chase. It's normal. But in my 30's, I hope it'll be about family, parenthood, marriage, home and life long friends. To see that growth and sameness though the years of this blog has been astonishing and hopeful.

This moment, I realize I cultivated a friendship deeper and more meaningful than any I thought I could ever have. It's an ordinary/ extra-ordinary thing.  I'm growing into a woman I'm proud to be because of it. If I were still a writer, if I were an artist or songstress, my work would be an autobiography, because there's nothing more viscerally extraordinary than ordinary feelings, experiences, and vulnerability. It's a good thing to love.  The folks on IHP, who traveled the world with me, taught me that and that's why I still hold many of them close.

I've fought my words, the perspective of me that exists because of them, and at times it seems like weakness, and there's not a light in certain life situations that I blog not subtly about. But there is, because people talk to me about things that are on here that have meaning. I'm not as crazy as I feel because people are sad about the same things and happy about the same things, and go through the same struggles, as a woman, as a person of color, as single person being alone in an unwelcoming, selfish, and oddly apathetic city, as a young person, as person navigating through relationships, as a person who fights everyday to understand the meaning of her existence. I'm not alone and people who read my whinny blog aren't alone either.

I love ordinary bad Taylor Swift songs. 

Here's this month soundtrack, dedicated to love.