fresh fallen snow

Call me crazy but a fifteen minute walk through a foot of soft and beautiful freshly fallen snow will solve all problems. Especially when it's at 9:15pm, and the sky is pitch black, and the lights are dim, and Miller Library sits above the background like a statuesque master. I'm by myself in my little coat and my problems fade. My weight had been steadily climbing due to my avoidance of my dear friend the treadmill, which has also led to my avoidance of my dear enemy, the scale. So I've been coping out and going on the elliptical every other day and eating much too much dessert as I see my size 3 and 4 pants refuse to pull up, and if they do, they look ridiculous. But I've been quite happy of late so I didn't care or pay too much attention to it. I run and I run fast when I'm under pressure or when stress is overwhelming, and during those times, I'm thin as a stick.

Oy... but I was snapped right back into reality today as I didn't get a position on PCB, which I thought I had the credentials to get. And the thing about Colby is that it does that to me, just when I'm a little high, it pulls me back to the ground again the way High School never did. It reminds me that I have to work hard, and not slack around like I did at Deering and still come out beaming. Life is not that fair and I don't always get everything I expect. I never expected anything under a B here and it's happened twice in three semesters, which is shocking, and makes me question if I'm truly book smart or did I only get here because of my essays and writing abilities. And did Affirmative Action play a great part in that decision? There's a pressure to earn my spot here, which at times is frustrating. So I weathered the storm to remind myself that I can't be too carefree, because it's not a good sign to be having trouble with three 9 minutes miles, knowing all too well that I used to be a size 2 girl who ran 8 minute miles... ha a little depressing, I'm that fire to be perfect that I used to have. I'm a bit of a control freak so it's difficult to balance a carefree liberation, with goals and expectations to be the best I can be, and not waste this blessing that I've been given here. I wonder if I write on a public blog that I want to lose 15 pounds, get 4 A's, go to more parties and be more outgoing next semester, that it'll put more pressure on me to actually achieve those things. I like pressure so I just did. I don't think it's too much to ask, but I've just had trouble following through with goals of late, and sure I'm happy and finding myself, but I also want that to resonate on my body and in my grades; can't resort to complete outcast hippie status

Oy, PCB was dissappointing, but I'm still on the Echo staff and mentoring, so as long as I do my best in those positions and keep myself busy; hopefully next semester will be my best thus far at Colby. Besides, there's nothing better than sightseeing after a 3 mile run in the gorgeous soft snow complete with a nice long shower and blogtastic rant.

... next blog will be much less like a diary entry. I must be crazy when I start enjoying Maine and its crazyass weather.

Pumps

So it's 2:23, I will finish this blog by 3 and finally end my procrastination and work on my darn internships. I've neglected to write a little bit because I'm on a "complain" fatigue, it's fun, but like Will Smith and Beyonce, too much of anything can be bad. What to speak of? I have an unhealthy obsession with four-five inch pumps and they cannot be thick clunky pumps by any means of the imagination. So my analytical mind is thinking, why do I have an unrivaled obsession with fabuolous shoes and dresses, and of course I come to the conclusion that something is lacking. The shoes, the dresses, the earings are sexy, revealing... hm satisfying, which is what I'm looking for. I'd say my life on a relationship and human level is probably making progress but I tread immensely carefully, I must, I think, to avoid being burned again. I know certain people do not read this, but I shall make it an ounce less personal, just in case. I'm coming home again in 3 days, because my friend needs a place to store things and stay the night before she heads to another country, but honestly I don't quite want to go home. Though there is interesting drama and things to laugh about here, I sort of prefer it, I am starting to enjoy the fact that I really like this place now. Her being away next semester might be a little bit hard at first (since my other friends don't really dance or party), but I think I can deal, I think I can find someone to go with and take care of me when I'm at these places, because I'd like to believe that I'm quite independent when I get there. Maybe things are moving, idk, but my patience is a little non-existant so I'm practicing deep breaths, trying to get my focus back so I can work on these damn internships, taxes, and study abroad applications. It's just not there right now, I know I can get lonly, and there are feelings about this that are nice, but I'm treading carefully, I don't want distractions. I wonder if I can write a poem in ten minutes......

Tread lightly
water bouncing off the top of your temples
fade easily
between the flesh of light figures
moving slightly
make you moan
and turn away forcibly, then quietly
the eyes read like a song,
which murmur on your lips,
let swing upon my hips,
but
tread lightly...

I don't know what it even really means, and I don't know if there were innuendos there, but 4 minutes.... so actually not bad.

Free-falling

I think my feeling for J is sumed up perfectly through the beautiful simplicity of Marketa Iglova and Glen Hansard's song. A tribute to him, but I'm growing, new year, new me.

Are you really here or am I dreaming?
I can't tell dreams from truth
For it's been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance causes only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes
a lover that sighs
If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

Are you really sure that you believe me
When others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
When you know I really tried
To be a better one to satisfy you for you're everything to me
And I'll do what you ask me
If you let me be free

It was to him because now I'm trying to let the mind have a say because my fantasies are definitely free-falling. Aaliyah says "it's official, I have issues, you have issues, but you know that I miss you." Of course nothing is to that extent because I'm not easily pleased, awkward sightings are AWKWARD but there's definitely a yearning for the eye-candy when there are no awkward sightings. I'm supposed to embrace my awkwardness this year and this "play it cool, let it come natural" idea is therefore awkward- frustrating. It's nice to have eye candy, it'll be nicer to not have lust follow so close behind. Why can't they work together and why does the other person have to make it so hard and where did the summer aggressiveness go? It's not a bad thing-- damn it for letting fearful people persuade me! Free-falling that is actually free would be so great- I wrote a facebook quote about how sometimes apologies are made not because someone feels that she is wrong or he is right but because she sees something in a person that is worth keeping the peace, apparently not hint enough. I wish I could free fall with pride and composure. It feels good while restraint does not... up down, up down... Colby experiences, they're not bad, internally it's a learning experience which I'm loving. I've decided that I'll start on a story, I haven't for a long time, fingers crossed... plenty of real life material which imitates art.

Reciprocation

I don't do New Year's resolutions but if there was one goal which I constantly strive for it would be to accept and appreciate all of my awkwardness. Yay for being back on the Colby hill and receiving ample opportunities to see the process get put into action.

As always, I ponder the term reciprocation when I am deciding whether or not to act especially during times when my gut and my lust run in a completely opposite direction than my brain does. Embrace the awkwardness because inevitably the gut will win in some instances and while the brain ponders, is unneedy, and plays cool, the gut is out to make things happen, it thinks that its superhuman but it's not and when that reciprocation doesn't come, not only does the gut feel stupid, but so does the brain for losing a battle that it should always win. But... then again, the brain may be playing it cool or maybe actually a control mechanism which minimizes risk and works out of fear. One doesn't know unless she tries but then if she's tried similar tactics before, she'll just get into a pattern of relentless blind trying.

Wow, weird blog.

Friends are no help because they all give differing advice, go for it- they like aggressive woman, they like to feel wanted, or don't go for it, the chase is fun, if he likes he will come. Dress up to impress, don't dress up- let him prove that he is not shallow. Ehh, "he's playing with you because he likes you" and "he's not moving because he doesn't want anything", those two statements coming from the same person, wtf? And I thought my gut and my brain were confusing and gave bad insight and advice.

To be brave, bold, and pursue to give reciprocation a kick start chance at happening or to be proud and smart and let reciprocation come to one's door? Sigh... pondering pondering, because there is a chance that it won't come.

Here's one of my favorite poems.

Still

I know I'm hanging by a string
Dear Lord
And my layers are being peeled away so relentlessly....
So why am I not fighting harder to resist
knowing the nightmares of the past
still ring feverishly in the present?
Why do I not grasp my hands in gratitude for my burdens overcome?

Yet a wink so effortless
Has me sprung with vehemence
With a curiosity pulling me into the devil's tomb
I'm lighting his tundra's fire like a puppet who keeps it burning
Heat my scars of sensations dragged through roads paved with ash
Why have I not grasped my hands in gratitude for my burdens overcome?

I’ve tightened the string,
Dear Lord
And disallowed all disconnectors guarding me
from slipping and earning more scars through a fire raging.
I chose to march through the devil’s pavements
For I'll reside in peace when my soul flows beyond
Yet my body resides in the heat that feeds it warmth...
My mind gives way to the lust which strengthens it
I only grasp my hands in gratitude for my burdens still to come.