Free-falling

I think my feeling for J is sumed up perfectly through the beautiful simplicity of Marketa Iglova and Glen Hansard's song. A tribute to him, but I'm growing, new year, new me.

Are you really here or am I dreaming?
I can't tell dreams from truth
For it's been so long since I have seen you
I can hardly remember your face anymore
When I get really lonely and the distance causes only silence
I think of you smiling with pride in your eyes
a lover that sighs
If you want me satisfy me
If you want me satisfy me

Are you really sure that you believe me
When others say I lie
I wonder if you could ever despise me
When you know I really tried
To be a better one to satisfy you for you're everything to me
And I'll do what you ask me
If you let me be free

It was to him because now I'm trying to let the mind have a say because my fantasies are definitely free-falling. Aaliyah says "it's official, I have issues, you have issues, but you know that I miss you." Of course nothing is to that extent because I'm not easily pleased, awkward sightings are AWKWARD but there's definitely a yearning for the eye-candy when there are no awkward sightings. I'm supposed to embrace my awkwardness this year and this "play it cool, let it come natural" idea is therefore awkward- frustrating. It's nice to have eye candy, it'll be nicer to not have lust follow so close behind. Why can't they work together and why does the other person have to make it so hard and where did the summer aggressiveness go? It's not a bad thing-- damn it for letting fearful people persuade me! Free-falling that is actually free would be so great- I wrote a facebook quote about how sometimes apologies are made not because someone feels that she is wrong or he is right but because she sees something in a person that is worth keeping the peace, apparently not hint enough. I wish I could free fall with pride and composure. It feels good while restraint does not... up down, up down... Colby experiences, they're not bad, internally it's a learning experience which I'm loving. I've decided that I'll start on a story, I haven't for a long time, fingers crossed... plenty of real life material which imitates art.