Children

"They say people in your life are seasons, and everything that happens is for a reason." -Kanye West, Heard 'Em Say

I want to write a memoir about me and my family one day and give it to my grandkids.
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The heart is meant to be broken. And it never makes sense, until it does.

The world has been telling me to be patient, child. To love myself, and to let the answers to the hard questions come when they're ready.

The world constantly tells me, that sometimes, I have to let go of good, in order to get great. And great is this elusive thing, in relationships, in career, in education, that doesn't come fast. Sometimes it teases me like it's not going to come but I think somewhere in the pit of my belly, I always knew.

The idea of security and comfort is this enticing thing. I want that job that is fulfilling and rich. I want a partner who sees me, all of me, and who allows me to see him. I want children, a bunch of little rugrats. I want to keep growing. And I want freedom.

It's hard not to attempt to mold things that are not those things into them, and they never really fit... and all the parties know. Often times, others know before I do.

But there's also this wonderful comfort in going through that, in trudging through the fog, and seeing the value of the journey.

It's ok that people are seasons. It's ok that placeholders are there on our journey and it's ok to be a placeholder that helps someone get to their ultimate destination because we're all sharing this world.

World, I'm in love. I'm at ease.

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"Similar way, similar game
starting to feel the similar pain.
Are you sure we haven't met before?
I know ya face, I know ya name
But I don't know you, isn't that crazy?
Isn't that crazy?" -Jhene Aiko "Stranger

Everyone knows that I don't date white men, for a variety of reasons: to preserve culture, to not invite racism, small or not, into my home when I face it elsewhere, and as a form of resistance and revolutionary love.

Those who don't recognize that being able to wear jeans, a tank-top, and sandals to class, and to still receive respect is this great privilege that men of color, in their slacks and button-downs, are not afforded... they are beyond my scope of reach.

I love black men and Asian men and Latino men because they represent subversive strength and resilience.

This, even while I recognize that that strength is either a facade or comes at a cost.

I often find that men of color who are oppressed in society, consciously or unconsciously put down women in order to gain that power that masks their insecurities. And whereas a lot of women of color would not accept that kind of treatment from white men, we are more patient about the misogyny or lack of warmth because we understand that it often comes from a place of hurt. We understand that they're projecting against the only population they know will take it. So we enable it, don't challenge it, until we watch it trickle down to the next generation of girls who are treated the same way by the next generation of boys.

We are responsible.
Habits die hard.

Particularly in communities of color where we continue to value boys more and we continue to make excuses for boys, rather then pushing them to be better men who know how to listen, and who are kinder and more available and who make for better people and better examples.

When the push does happen, it's often met with resistance and flipped scripts and accusations of "feminist bitches trying to emasculate us." But the fight is worth it.

For me, it often takes 3 or 5 or 6 years before some switch flips on in his mind, and I take solace in the fact that he will now treat someone else better.

But we need to start earlier, so much earlier. It breaks my heart to think about any guy treating my future daughter that way, and it breaks my heart to think that I may be raising a son in a society that teaches him toxic things.

When I think about Cosby, and Chris Brown, and R. Kelly, and Floyd Mayweather, I think about how the community instincts to rally around and protect those men "our men" sends an equally strong community message to young girls that their lives aren't worth a damn thing and that their voices don't matter.
 
J. Cole Neighbors

"Bad motherfucker, God complex
Motivate your ass call me Malcom X
Yo operator, or innovator
Fuck you hater, you can't recreate her no
You'll never recreate her no, hero" - Beyonce, "Don't Hurt Yourself" 

Questions

"Love is not just a verb, it's you looking in the mirror." -Kendrick Lamar

I have friends who are really good at listening, and asking questions, and remembering details. Friends who converse in questions rather than advice. Sometimes in my personal relationships when I've felt unseen or unheard, I've overcompensated for those things by conversing through comments rather than de-centering myself by asking questions that either give away power or which have answers that I'm uncomfortable with hearing.

28 was such a blessed year. It was a reminder that it's ok to be soft and vulnerable while still standing my own ground. My 20's has really been so focused on the latter because I've felt constantly cheated out of the opportunities I deserved, constantly overlooked... and I am a hardass because I don't want to perpetuate my own oppression. That fire led to a teaching certificate while working full time, it led to Harvard, it led to speaking up more and it led to a constant will to be better. I don't regret any of that. I think those are assets. Passion drives change within the status quo... especially now, in this era, where even when oppression is seen, it is ignored deliberately, which makes me and a lot of us, constantly question the integrity and fabric of America... and it fuels us.

But

In my heart I think that 29 is when things start to fuse together. 

I think in friendships and relationships now, there is more room for trust and for questions, more room for knowing your principles as a hardass but for being soft too. I used to get so frustrated when I would speak with someone and they would not ask questions back; it was like they didn't care. They were self-centered, un-engaged. They were quintessential men.

I don't think it's my job to get any guy or any woman who isn't poor or isn't a woman of color to fully grasp their privilege or to be less self-centered nor could I do it if I tried. What this year has taught, however, is that women, particularly women of color, do a great job of listening and affirming one another and asking questions that bring about reflections that are vulnerable and necessary. We have, in essence, each other to let down our guards on and to reflect. That's what I'm working on. Identifying when vulnerability is ok and identifying spaces where I can not only be more human but where I can act as a support system for others to be more human as well through asking questions, through not knowing all the answers, and through listening without needing to say very much.

I owe a lot to the women of IHP and my female friends at the Ed School for showcasing a lot of strength through compassion but never letting compassion trump principles or justice. I will always be sarcastic and petty and sharp, and I do think there are certain things that can't fly and that are wrong that I will undoubtedly sacrifice any "friendship" for.

But I do think I'm warmer and more loving this year than I've ever been and I like that.

29 looks bright.

A few songs that represent 28 well:

Kendrick Lamar: Loyalty
Beyonce: Freedom
Solange: Cranes in the Sky
Jhene Aiko: It's Cool
Craig Mack: Flava in Ya Ear
Drake: Right Hand
Jhene Aiko: Spotless Mind "Loving you as nice, but it's a new day, a new season." 
Mobb Deep: Shook Ones (RIP Prodigy)