Resilience

One day I will make a salary of $100,000 or more. And so will my partner. We will raise offspring who go to M.I.T. or Harvard or Julliard... whatever tickles their fancy. They will have horses, guitars, and a piano. But they will be different because they will understand things that children of color who come from a line of refugees must understand; the odds, hard work, resilience, giving back. We will dress like everyone else, invest in things that matter, because flashiness is for the insecure. (There is an air of newness to flashiness, an air of being unaccustomed.) And we will be comfortable with ourselves yet still have enough for travels and my cosmetic surgery (ies) in my 50's... I already spend so much on beauty products.. and for my parents to retire young.

My children's generation will double our earnings and their children's generation will double theirs' while doing something pleasing to the soul. And in a few generations, new money becomes old money with our names etched on it. And so to, charities with those names.

That is the dream. It is glorious. It lingers in the back of this mind, popping up once in a while when I seem to defer it for something realistic and convenient.

 "I don't want to give you the wrong impression, I need love and affection." Rihanna ft. Future <3
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This is the LAST blog I write about D.C.

My lifelong mentor Robin taught me a poignant lesson that has been invaluable to my growth. With few exceptions, most friends and acquaintances are made to fill a void during a specific period in one's lifetime. They have a purpose and once they no longer serve said purpose; they are no longer there.

People are fickle, people change, people move, people outgrow one another in the process of growing into themselves.

I had a few high school people. The majority didn't transfer into college. I had my college people. But most of them too, didn't transfer into my real life people. And then I had my work people, to pass time at work, until I would change occupations.

That conversation a few years back has made me more resilient and practical.  And DC itself has given me thick skin and perspective. Whenever people are unreliable, I realize they are not my parents, my family, my lifelong friends, my significant other, but that they serve a purpose in a moment. This moment will pass in less than two months, and mostly, so too will they. And I realize it doesn't hurt to the extent it once had. I love the hardest of anyone but only to the special people who transfer themselves into my life's phases.

And I'm old enough and smart enough to differentiate between momentary people and lifelong people. This is a city of momentary relationships.

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I don't really understand what I am searching for each time I go home. I see the people in this world who love me most. My father is this sweet yet tough dude who went from a masculine and fit bro in his 20s and 30s to an affectionate fatherly dude in his late 40s. It is interesting and, well, adorable. I am getting accustomed to it but as I grow older, I feel more and more blessed for him each year.
My mother is quirky, beautiful, youthful, and a tomboy. She understands her worth and doesn't let the world put her down. She once quit a position because she felt disrespected. I admire that spunk. She must be where I inherited my core values of self worth, knowledge of right and wrong, and most importantly the belief in equality AND my love of sweatpants, sports, sneakers, my stupid bubbliness, intensely awkward sense of humor, and the inability to sense direction. The make-up, hair, and pretentiousness (of which I am proud of), that is from my grandmother.

They feed me as though I have never eaten. They worry about me as though I were a child. Yet I search when I am in Maine. My soul gets anxious. I look at the T.V. and there's nothing on it. I look outside and there is nothing beyond the beauty.

And I question sometimes if anything is will ever be enough. I have been in D.C. for a few years, and although I don't know what home is, D.C. doesn't fit the description. I know more. I see more. I've met more people. I've passed more communities. But I am not more myself in it. I am not so free in it.

They (the people) haven't attached at the heart like that. It (the city) is boxed in.

I question whether I need to travel to, as white people call it, "find myself." Find my calling so that it is true and genuine. Find people who see potential in me (ahhh). Find somewhere where I can believe in myself again. I question if I have the resources to do that. Where would I start? I'm in the first world, I can travel but is it right? Especially right now? And where would I go? Am I brave to do it or is running cowardly?

When I was a child, I wanted to be a clothing designer, an artist, an educator, an architect, a writer. I was good at drawing, not terrible at writing, could piece things together and most of all I LOVE KIDS. Three of my kiddos now remind me how I felt as a kid and exactly how  I would want my future babies to be: smart, beautiful, empathetic, happy, kind, curious, spunky, energetic, fearless. I give my all to them. They are the only light to my position. And I am working to believe in myself the same way I believe in them.

So, as can be imagined, the anxiety is many years old. It screams at me: "FIND THAT CHILD." After a few years of settling for jobs that are un-extraordinary while appeasing people who don't deserve appeasing, .... AND being about to turn the milestone of 25, I can finally reflect this June about what I am good at, what I really want and to go for it.

"And we're off to the races, places
Ready, set the gate is down and now we're goin' in
To Las Vegas chaos, Casino Oasis, honey it is time to spin
Boy you're so crazy, baby, I love you forever not maybe
You are my one true love, you are my one true love" -Lana Del Rey... she is messed up. 

My friend grabbed it. She's traveling. My love grabbed it. He is traveling. Someone saw a star and he accepted that they did. It's amazing. If I can't find the people to replicate the strength/bravery/intelligence/dedication/lovingness of the people I love SO much where I'm at... then I need to change the current.

The main factor has to be growth.
Finding things that wow and finding incremental steps to create whoa factors for myself.
Finding allies who believe I can achieve those whoa factors. I was privileged to feel able through most of my life and DC has been saying "no, you can't." I wrote most of this post even before I knew I would not return. My stomach got distended and ached for hours the day I came back from spring break, I ended up walking the cherry blossoms on my own, the school I where I am working hired yet another white woman to oversee and manage us colored staff and students, I wrote my blog about entitlement almost a month back...  I just knew. And I felt really good about it.

My youngest uncle reminds to believe in myself and, UNDERSTAND racial inequalities, but to never let race or white privilege bring me down. I find myself being so thankful for him too because it gives me courage not to settle.

PS- Big ups to those who transcend time: Brittany, Eddie, Lan, Ten, Xander, Casey, Miguel, and Robin.