3:32

"The way that you react to me, I wanna do something you can't imagine." -Ciara

I'm trying to pull an all nighter, but I think I'll sneak in 2 hours, then finish an outline I promised a friend I would finish, then go non-stop tomorrow until 7- where I then thus collapse.

My body hurts. When the effects are physical they add to the mental and spiritual. Lethargy- I think I'll break from the drama tomorrow and just let my body sleep from 7pm to whenever.

The next victim in my way will receive a very sincere lethargic, amazing hug.

One "hey My" and it's sustained me through 2 days of exhaustion, a combined 7 hours of rest smashed in between 41 hours of action- amazing how life works. But even with this, I'm about to shut down, stressed beyond my limits--- tired but happy though. Like was said, funny how life works, I'm back in fifth grade again.

Woman

"You know til you prove your point, you just can't let it go" -Raheem DeVaughn

Such a cute song.

Especially at Colby, I never thought I'd reach a point where I'd feel stuck. Because it IS Colby, and a lot of the opposite sex is eye candy, talented, and intelligent.... yet I would never put mature, intriguing, or the ability to institute my brain with intellectual stimulation among them. Once in every blue moon, I become intrigued.... and MyMy is intrigued and intellectually stimulated. Unfortunately, no one is perfect and those things lead to unforeseen baggage from person X's part and from mine as well. It's a sticky situation which scares me.... I don't/shouldn't get scared. It's led to this "stuckness" which friends have heard about to a nauseating level.... this is both new and reminiscent to an infamous someone... making it even more so confusing and shocking, bothersome I suppose.

He sings

"woman woman woman

strong

woman woman woman

grown

woman woman woman

special

woman woman woman

beautiful"

If My is all of those words, than why is she walking the very thin line with her pride (which prevents her from acting unwise) and her passivity (which the word suggests is prideful and passive to anything that resembles her level of intrigue and intellectually stimulation) As though it's dangerous I'm running from it--- hoping that in a perfect world it would still follow me--- but it isn't a perfect world. One misstep and I'm falling several stories. Ego complex--- like it has to fight for her the same way she fights for the desirous-- though she can't externally accept that IT, something like it, could ever be desirous or maybe that she doesn't have desires.... well. I only know that when I have desires to act against my mind... and that they're so persistent that my homeostasis level of internal control tends to want to scream at me because there's nothing I can do. The feelings are so new but dangerously old.

Quiet screams at aggression and aggression screams at quiet... and in the end they both want a resolution, though I'm afraid of it. I've been referring to myself in the 3rd person.

Almost as to wish for the storm to be over or to let it carry me, because I'm stuck between a position which is neither stormy or calm, just a mesh of indecipherable(s) mucky weather that could go both ways and I don't know what clothes I need in my suitcase, which defenses I need to ready.

And if it's not going to move and she's not going to move than the fear persists without actual evidence as to why it should. She almost hopes the other side perceives that she has no desire for it to move- for her life is complete without it. (hmmm-- but then again!)

While most people just let life hit them and ride the waves, as I can, the fearful recognition that this situation may be my exception instead of the rule, and I allowed it to be, putting aside an entire four month blog to decipher it's exceptionality. (which hence is pathetic) has caused recent distress.

Especially when the intelligent perspective says it's not supposed to mean anything.... aren't exceptions supposed to be more convenient so they could be noticed and more effort could be levied onto them?

It's fearful and I feel like I'm jumping alone-- whatever happened to independence? The lust, curiosity, stubborness, anger and confusion, is trying to convince me it's something else by it's mere presence. The potential for considering actions which throw off my pride and further my hormonal imbalance is consistently there when it shouldn't be. Having to spend so much internal energy deciphering (what probably is clear as day to other party) is pissing off my need to be in control. Yes I'm stronger than this, but the strength and the passivity doesn't at all submerge the curiosity--- or clarify why THIS specific curiosity in THIS specific situation is so strong when others were never.

sighhh..... the goal is never to stroke the ego of the other party but simultaneously make sure never to hurt it. (Because the bluntness in it makes it kind of fragile.)

Ride with it

"See I'll be riding, just riding along,
with my daddy on my mind
like you gotta be kidding." -Lil Wayne

I have many guilty pleasures, Lil Wayne being one of them- besides, those words have relevance to this entry. 'Lyrics and Poetry' has been lacking in the poetry department of late....

Rise

Many sunsets and sunrises ago, I let my king slip from my burning fingers.

The hollow tips of invisible icebergs present

are let rung below the surface tensions.

Love, I somehow escaped the collision with nothing more than mere scratches.

Though remnants of hollow tips now have me boxed in with fear.

Deceptively hollow and harmless.

The traces of what's beneath has drowned all those above me.

And dismantled a kingdom which I was once queen, love.

And which you were once it's hollow king.

As the shadow brings constantly what clings and won't fracture- and won't sink

on it's own for the fear of being alone,

so it drags on its lovely queen's throne.

When she merely wishes to yell out FREEDOM.

And so she hides untouched--

until the lonely shadow calls itself eminent

as she's one step from FREEDOM

mere scratches, rearing themselves, as choices

into scars.
As the sun simply rises, the way it always sets

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Several months ago, I replied to an email of an old friend wishing her well and she responded back saying that she loved me like a sister, and I should come visit when her baby is born.

Except I won't go visit her when the child is born, and she doesn't love me like a sister, and with that level of lip service, the talks ended. I remember sitting in architecture class with her boyfriend at the time, as he described to one of his buddies how some crazy fat chick had just overdosed 2 days ago. Two days earlier we were in state of panic in the nurses office trying to figure out who to get in contact with as this 10th grader was staggering through the halls with pupils dilated leaning on a once thinner me. Apparently, this was funny. He was a king for making a 16 year old girl feel like she was getting attention.

We're both nearly 21. Four years ago, even as little as 3 or 2 years ago, I'd catch myself wondering... what happened to my girl only to realize it didn't matter, doesn't matter and shouldn't. Apparently, there's a line that one can't come back from once it's crossed. She never had poetry written out of missing her, ambiguously mentioned in blogs, brought up in casual conversations, or missed the way certain others were. Sure, it was she who cut the strings... but... I was tired of making an effort to mend it, so I didn't.

Only, it's odd that a person like myself, reaches her patience threshold abruptly and defiantely, with no need for closure, with her supposed friend (arguably best friend), --the right choice as it may be-- without any desire to look back and become entangled in that unhealthy mess.

To contrarily have times when I am so insistent on being the midst of unhealthy messes that it makes me sick. The benefit of the doubt, which I don't give to my girl, I insist on bestowing upon my choices of lucky beneficiaries, --- until they prove me wrong.

Only they won't.

Realistically, they're small matters which disappoints and hurts one's pride just a bit. There's been those who can attest that I could stop while I'm ahead and take a small loss. But a loss of pride inevitably leads to swallowing what pride is left in order to "fix" the situation creating the loss of pride.

Only it expands to a mammoth loss of self that is even more so irretrievable. What about this kind of "addiction" causes a down regulation of the necessary defiant and abrupt reaction intended to benefit self? Instead, the behavior is cyclic and undefiant.

And I find myself perplexed by how small matters become worrisome, while I am simulataneously erasing larger matters from my consciousness in order to prevent unhealthy messes from originally forming.

Summer

"Now I'm sitting here and I'm so confused.
Cuz I keep fighting myself for you.
I don't know how much more I can take but I can't feel this way
You got me so torn" -LeToya Luckett

I'm really not that moody- I just merely like the song.

But summer- the only editor I've heard back from is in Dorchester who asked for my cover letter and resume which I readily supplied. Deep breath. I think it's finally hitting me. If I get this internship (fingers crossed), I will be somewhere in Massachusetts with $3000 to live on for 8-10 weeks. At first glance, this isn't too bad, until one does the math out and realizes how expensive it is to live in this country, and she marvels at how her parents do it.

First, I might look for an apartment that's around $600 a month.
Then 2 months of internet access- another $60 overall.
Conservatively, I think food might cost $200 overall but likely $300.
Then depending on the apartment, there's the water bill and the electric bill.
Put aside $40 for 2 months of laundry.
Maybe a hundred dollars for business clothes.

I suppose apartments can run as little as $400 but I want to live somewhere at least half decent- but then again they could be something like $800 a month. I'm terrified of how I'm going to be able to sleep at night in a big city by myself where I know no one. I'm horrible with directions- and somewhat socially awkward- and ah- for the first time, really by myself. Not by myself in the Colby terms where I'm fed, I get the halls and bathrooms cleaned for me, I get free internet access, and cheap taxi tabs, and a million adults around who I can turn to when I have questions. Alone, as in alone.

I imagine it as me, my tv, my computer, my futon- because there's no way I'm taking a bed there, a stack of clothes- shoes, make-up, some paper and pencils, my bike.... which hopefully works as a traveling mechanism.... and several movies to distract me from-- being a girl alone in the middle of a big city.

She must learn to cook for herself because eating out costs at least $10 a day. She must learn to save receipts to get reimbursed for other traveling expenses. She must make short term friends and learn the art of paying bills. She must save some money for the rest of the summer and for the likely $500 of books in the fall... Meaning she should work a little before or after the internship.

Maybe save up some money for a laptop too because my computer is dying and I'm going abroad next year. But expenses aside, the main thing is that.... I'm excited but I'm scared. I'm at Colby and for the most part things are great, and friends are great, except for the moments where I still inevitably feel alone. This blog... and the rants about certain people.... is illogical and for pathetic reasons. I, of all people, know this. But I imagine myself being dropped off in the middle of Boston with no connections, and I'm sure eventually I'll figure my way around and I'll live ok, but the whole being alone thing, and can I go for a run in the middle of the city thing, idk. I've been irrational- maybe because I want a sense of comfort and closure here before I move on. No one is the devil, I say that because I want to make sense out of things. A little curiosity and hurt leads to good poetry. The blog of a near 21 year old female- I hope I laugh at my present self much in the future.

Sun

"I'm a monster, I'm a mavin
I know the world is changing
Never gave in, never gave up
I'm the only one I'm afraid of" -Kanye West (naturally)

It's been a difficult week for the campus. I'm glad many people were out and about today-- a lot of us may have reached our threshold of this situation.... for now at least about the tension-- not the empathy, hopefully.

That was a long sentence. Take Back the Night was yesterday- the showing was small, but understandable considering how the campus is feeling in light of this week, and for the most part those who were there got something out of it. I had a nice conversation after a hard day and a long week, a conversation I didn't expect to have with someone I never expected to talk to- it was comforting.

Honesty, right? There are only four weeks left of school and though each weekday I am thoroughly exhausted, getting fatter, sleeping less, being confronted with awkward situations, I don't know what I'm going to do without it this summer. I don't know if I can go and realize that in 2 years, the real world will hit me, and coming into this summer knowing that everything, even little minute things, will be ok.

There are big worries I ought to have but I don't worry about them and they feel ok, it' the little worries that I must rid of in order to properly function and not have them turn into bigger worries. It makes sense to me. If it starts off being a big deal, one knows it's a big deal, so why bother making it a bigger deal? Small deals linger in your head and nag at you until they become big.

For instance, at dinner yesterday, my friend said that she thinks I'm pretty well respected on this campus. I disagree- I understand that getting respect doesn't necessary mean getting high marks, or being the best at something, but sometimes people get respect for the work they do and the person that they are. Sometimes my presence is too reserved and discreet for outsiders to understand me enough for them to internally carry respect for me- further there are those who do things for the community which people don't know, just because certain people may know that I'm out there- doesn't mean that I receive or am entitled to any kind of respect which others don't have. I see quite a few things I'd like to change about myself before I can say that I'm one those people that students and teachers naturally respect. Not at all. I'm nice enough to receive lip service and it's nice to hope that my closest friends here think well of me.... but outside that realm--- sometimes the more I'm comfortable with Colby- the more certain aspects of being here confuses me.

I apologize for the rant-diary format.

I'm attempting to play connect the dots in a very round about way. Because if one isn't doing many things on campus, or reaching out to the community, if one has consistent free time and still isn't academically stellar-- what is that?

Not that I have to prove myself or be validated or seen... but with all these things, one would hope that some of those things would end up in the result. Everyone knows that curiosity is the end of me, there is a much greater pain in the world right now, than for my mind to create a pseudo-panic state. If curiosity= an inability to be given the concrete facts. Does that mean the concrete facts aren't good and that they are lacking? And they're lacking because of inferiority and an inability to gain attention and .... respect?

The happy, bubbly, giggly awkwardness has been replaced by a disappointed and curious awkwardness, and how much of that is my fault? One is a silly avoidance, the other is lack of acknowledgment. When expectations are low to none and they're not met, I have no choice but to go out there and validate myself.

What can I say? Of course there's a passive aggressive attention seeking by social appeasement aspect. Naturally. It's for the upper echelons like everyone else is also looking upwards, not downwards. I'm part of that pattern--- so how can I be so hypocritical- I keep saying, I don't believe in entitlement.

Anyway, on a separate note, I do hope the college enjoys itself this weekend- calm and enjoyable.

Red

No lyrics today.

Red represents the blood on the ground of a Colby student assaulted by security in a blatant display of excessive force to control. It says that the blood have been stained on hands and racism still runs in the veins of so many people. Whether they mean it or not, it's there and it spews. People are ignorant to it.

There was an incident this weekend involving students, security, and police. One in a string of many which I've brushed off as the specific "unfortunate" actions of few.... but where the HELL are these kids coming from? When security is using excessive force against... you guessed it... men of color and we have it on tape, when women of color are being completely disrespected, when the school sends out a biased- overall disgusting account of what happened- when the administration has done jackshit-- you as a privileged ass white kid.... will sit there and try give the administration the benefit of the doubt........ AGAIN?! These kids are so smart, and most of them ARE caring-- but take off the goddamn blinders. Every single kid on that stage affected by the incident was of color. The entire news staff who was there besides me is white. As a paper, we need to speak up on behalf of our students, to make them feel like they're heard-- and get out of the bubble that wants to believe that the administration is well-intentioned. Even if they are, they're still wrong, the ways they treated these kids was utterly, shamefully disgusting- the way students of color get treated on this campus in general- the way incident after incident keeps occuring.

The student paper ought to take a step back from it's unimportant theory of "objectivity".... as though that even exists, and understand that if students don't stick up for one another--- if you Mr. Editor, continue on your cloud of oblivion, shit like this will keep happening. Yes, security or police may get a bad wrap for this shit, but they deserve it. Students make this campus our home-- we ought to feel safe AND accepted here. Anything less, and especially this brutality is unacceptable. Instead of running away from the problem, or trying to understand the administration's side-- or the reason why they act the way they do, how about we try to understand from the side of the students clearly being overpowered by security laying in a mess of his own blood?

So tomorrow, red is the color.

Headache

"I just want to go to the party she gonna go
Can somebody take me home?
Ha ha, he he, ha ha ho" -Britney Spears

Friday night sucked, Saturday night was amazing, Sunday morning is... recovery. The point of this entry is that I love Kim. Now after 2 more hours of sleep or recovery... I'm going to be up and be ready for everything. Thank the good lord for friends.

Friday nights

"This is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson" -Kanye West

I love my Kanye West quotables. The truth is- my anti-socialness often make Friday nights tougher than most other nights- when I'm immersed in so much work that I don't have the adequate time to sleep. My to-do list would not be as stressful if I started on Fridays. My weekends would be relaxing.

The realization that it's Friday on Friday mornings is magnificent. IDK- I've been dealing with same problem for a long time and it creeps in every Friday or Saturday. Sure my roommate is here, and Kim and Sarah are here, and when Pat was at Colby, she'd definitely be here on Friday nights- probably going to dance or a movie.

I do love my friends and I'm very blessed but honestly I don't treat them well, or hold them on as high of a regard as I should because I've always wanted something more. That essentially is the problem- it's not like friends are always going to be there- and it isn't as though I should be picky.... there is of course a different need and a different "lust" in my perceived necessity of something else, and that necessity always presents itself to be more crucial and "important" than this one, even when I refuse to realize how blessed I am for having several of "this type" of relationship.

Technologically then, on Friday nights, it sucks.
It's hypocritical- I'm selfish enough to want to be someone that people hold in high regards- or even need- but the people who are there for me- I won't humble myself to the level where I accept them as necessary. I take advantage of the fact that they might always be there. I "need" something else- when in essence it's teenage angst in an adult woman's body.

Friday mornings are great when one walks around and she is blessed with moments that make her happy beyond words. Small, tiny moments that are irreplaceable. Friday nights when I'm not partying or dancing- what the hell am I doing? Internally I'm not this person my friends are, I'm kind, I'm sweet, I'm quiet but I'm a city girl...... that's why Colby was so hard. I like to drink, and dance, and dress up kind of risky, I've been distracted the last few times with... fucking "needs". As "conservative" as I might seem, or as the people I associate myself with are, I'm not.

Not knowing is hard....
One can approach it in the sarcastic "whatever" tone.
Or not approach it at all.
Or approach it and not really understand this "suggested solution" which isn't a solution.

Idk- I don't dislike people, I think it's me liking people that is the problem. Or more honestly, in my picky stubbornness of the way I treat those I like compared to those I don't give two shits about- or who I wish would simply leave me alone.

It is hypocritical of me. I do the same thing- but I'd like to think that within the hierarchy of people, that those "above me" ala those who my pickiness tells me I have to make a stubborn effort towards understanding what they think or getting to know them... are someway, somehow, unattainable so far because they can't understand my approach and not because my traits are "boring", "inferior" or screams to them "no need to get to know". Like the psychological theory of situation v. personal traits--- I was a psych major once-- I should know this. The hypocrisy of it is I do it, there are people I don't make the slightest effort towards, there are people I find excruciatingly annoying and boring-- and in my pickiness, I only have a certain amount of time- and there are certain people I wish to disperse it to.

I don't believe in leagues, my pickiness tells me more about whose interesting and whose personalities are compatible. There are people who I'm certainly more than willing to release from my life. But then again, that is league, and that is hypocrisy. Because it is uncomfortable... extremely... when someone likes me and I don't like them back. It's easier to just not deal with it and hope they move on quickly.

So why is it hard for me and why I do I never think that that's the case in my case? Arrogant form of a coping mechanism, I suppose. It's all about leagues- if I don't admire someone in some way than I wouldn't insist or take offense or care. But admiration implies something better than self, or something worth working hard to attain... almost unattainable... I'm not content with "everyday normal" or someone on my level of the hierarchy. And as much as I talk about reciprocation, I don't reciprocate to those who don't challenge me, who I don't gain from, who I don't yearn for. And I will be their friend but it's easier to see fault in them and to disconnect. The world is often mean and lonely, and though I like to think I'm kinder, that's not always true.

Brit, Kim, Sarah etc al. all have something that connects them to me- something deeper in them or something philosophical that they have to say-something in them that makes ME happy or ME want to be better. Yet I look at people who are struggling, dealing with drama, or stressed--- and I find an inability to deal with it, a lack of desire to want to understand, and I find it unendearing overall.

A lot of people who I don't see greatness in are invisible to me- as empathetic as I say I am. In order to be my friend or my loved one... in order for me to want you... you have to be better than me. It's twisted.

Mams Phys

"You're the ghost of royalty imposing love,
you are the queen and king combining,
everything into twining,
like a ring around the finger of a girl,
I'm just a singer, you're the world,
all i can bring ya is the language of a lover"
-Jason Mraz

Oh boy, Mam Phys tomorrow, technically Mammalian Physiology 2 hour test at, sigh, 8am- my study is only about half way done.

My body is telling me that I'm old and I should start treating it better. First the knee decides to give out on Saturday, the neck decided that it wouldn't move forward on Monday, and today it's my usual scoliosis loving back. Good news... since it's an every other day phenomena... I will have no pain for tomorrow's test?? Well, one could wish. I know it's scolding me for only giving it 12 hours of sleep in the last three days, and tonight- depending on how ready I feel for tomorrow, it once again will probably not see four hours.

Mam Phys, says Kim, is when no sleep causes an increase in cortisol production, which causes stress, which causes an increase in belly fat. Belly fat, ala apple shaped individuals instead of pair shaped individuals, are more prone to diabetes and cardiovascular disease. However, since fat also acts as insulation, it keeps us, especially me this year, warm during the horrific Maine winters. So I know that much Mam phys... not sure if it'll help me at all tomorrow.

I'm trying my darnest to be superwoman when I'm not- Anthro of Violence- in which I am unfortunately unenlightened- may not happen tomorrow depending on whether the test time goes over- or whether I even feel ready in the morning- for if this doesn't go well- the cortisol levels will shoot through the roof all the while I watch my GPA sink. I don't know why I take sciences, without them I have an A-/B+ GPA, with them it's a B, and a B at this school is like getting an F.

Not that it's time for regret but if I had known earlier, I would have been a Gov and Anthro major with an education minor. All that time and money, into Chemistry, Calculus and Biology and the horrific Social Psychology with one monotonic Thane Pittman. All the while I could have taken Education and Government classes and saved myself the pain of 3 hour labs each week experimenting with things that couldn't interest me less- and have the choice of not only being a journalist, but a lawyer or a teacher if I foreseeably have a mid life change of heart one day; instead of understanding world policies- I was learning the periodic table. I suppose it does take a while to really know what you want- an unfortunate learning opportunity and waste of class hours and my time.

At least 3 more hours of studying ahead of me- in approximately two, I may find reason to rant once again as I cannot stay away from my cortisol reducing habit of writing. It's a night where I'm ready for any surprise- I hope I get one- for a lift in mood might result in a lift in grade- and it's been a bit long since a despised/ yet treasured awkward street conversation has been bestowed upon me.

Ice

"And my head keeps spinning, I can't stop having these visions, I gotta keep with it" -Kanye West

I have this bag of ice laying on my knee and I don't know what I did to it. Three hours ago, it decided it might be a pain- and it decided so adamantly. As a runner, this might be bad- for the next couple of days, or at least hours, it'll be just me in my room and possible snacks.

I do stupid things- but I don't regret my beautiful run in the rain yesterday- you'd think it'd hurt after that- it acts up randomly. So mellow dramatic- it's actually not too bad. Listening to Kanye West and getting minimal homework done. I must do the homework, or some other activity away from this small room- or lord knows---silliness and anxiety overtakes sanity. Homework, reading, stress.

I could speak of my insecurities, the insecurities of others- or write excruciatingly bad poems- which I've got to stop misplacing or losing all together. A lot of blood, sweat, and tears lie within those, which are often much better than the ones on here.
-It's not a night where poems are coming to mind.

Here's the beginning of my story which I began a month ago., I don't know where I'm going with this either.

"From the comfort of her bunk, she stared into the vast open. Frost had invaded the windshield of every car in the school’s parking lot like a pandemic. Sub-zero temperatures were heading their way for several days to come. "

I have a vast emptiness complex that scares me- and I have things to say that I can't say on here. I rarely write in the journal because of this blog-- but tonight it might need to come out....

Though, everyday at Colby, right when I'm feeling unmotivated and terrible about my skills, I meet amazing, smart, and motivated people who care, truly care about things- and they inspire me. I realize that I may not be great in the areas that they're great in, and I may not be them, but I'm here for a reason, and just as they're not perfect but still out there working hard and making a difference- I'm that person out there. Maybe I'll write a story, maybe I'll finish my reading for this weekend, maybe I'll do the paper. The to-do list is too long, and I've done none of it---- the inspiration came at the perfect time.

The realization of truly important matters had the perfect timing, poems concerning... things which life ought not concern, are a matter of another day.

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"When I look at you, my mind goes on a trip." -Keri Hilson

The talk with my friend goes as such...

She said "you know when you're merely in the library, in one of those darkened rooms with no windows, and you've been working for hours on homework? I'm tough as rocks, and I don't need anything-but I'm still a girl, you know? The most romantic thing in the world would be if someone noticed and brought me a Pepsi, or asked me to take a break and go for a walk. It's thoughtful- easy- but it's a little gesture like that which makes every difference."

As with most of my friends, she's brilliant. Honestly, regardless if we're tough at rocks, opinionated-- at the end of the day-- it's not our goal to knock down the opposite sex and strip them of the ego that surrounds their maleness.

The maleness, practicality, strength, hard work, intelligence is....... endearing. No female really wants to be a dude, we're tough because we have goals and ambitions. The high pitched, agreeable, high ponytail wearing, brainlessness which spells "easy" to the opposite sex also does not work in the favor of female suffrage... at all.

But there's a difference between that and robotic.

No, not to the level of forcing the opposite sex to endure the often horrific "romantic comedies" and "walks on the beach", that even makes me laugh. But simply because there's room for being mentally ambitious does not mean that emotional compacity is maxed with that.

- Yes the prince, and the white horse, and the thoughtfulness is appreciated at intervals- not so much that one becomes a "girl" persay. But merely for one to showcase that he has more than 2 brain cells alive.- Not a makeout scene or cliche roses- but a Pepsi and a forehead kiss-- not in suits-- showcasing their every brilliance (so insecure)-- but in jeans and a t-shirt and a casual convo.

- That's a prince and white horse, he's normal, casual, feels no need to prove himself- or to do too much. You'd think it would thus be easier than coming up with a plethora of lies or trying so hard to be slick that one is merely fake--- a man is secure. And since every man declares himself a man, you'd think there'd be more of those.