Butterfly

"I see you duck and dodge at every bend
Afraid to play your card, be forced to show your hand
I hope you take from this that it'll make you no less of a man
To break your walls and simply grab my hand
Love shouldn't be contraband
It shouldn't treble on your confidence
Shouldn't be seen as less than compliments" -Kehlani

I almost understand Taylor Swift and Ari Grande.

Loss is hard. You bend and contort to create space when there just isn't any. It takes more than conviction. It takes more than choice. It takes more than one body letting another in.

When you've grown soft around your edges because of idealism, loss is hard.
When you've been hard long enough and your age finally allows you the privilege of air, of softness, loss is hard.
When you feel the heartbeat of potential. The pulse of his smile. Loss is hard.

--

We exist and then we vanish.
The only thing we have is the space we occupy while we're here.
Boldly. Unabashed. It is our space.
I claim it. Stubbornly. It is mine.
I carve it out with time and sweat and memories.
It is fucking mine and in my mind, that means it's ours
But you aint got a shovel so you don't fit in the allotted space.
As much as I bend and contort
It is uncomfortable. It is uneasy.
Love forced is... not.
It takes more than conviction.
It takes more than love.

--

You see me
I miss you deep
Though I can't say it, I hope it seeps into your pores and you drown in the affection because it keeps pouring out of me with nowhere to go.
It is yours. It is unapologetic
because you see me.
There is nothing to apologize about. Nothing to shrink.
Though it takes more than love, I still love and I don't apologize.

----

4/15/19

Dreams come to me, with lots of poetry.  I am reading poems, that are my inventions, because they are my dreams but then when I wake up, they're gone. They're fleeting; I only have bits and pieces of them. I hold a lot of my loved ones in my dreams; much more than I do in real life. It's comforting because those opportunities don't always exist and all we have is the moments even when they're in dreams.

In-addidable
Delectable
Legendary

I want a love that's legendary but there are so few legends.

Maybe the dreams are telling me that good things will come because they already exist and are just looking to make waves? 

--

May 6

I was looking at my feet and I realized they were tired.
My calves were tired. My breasts were tired.
I haven't taken a sick day ever because JLo doesn't take sick days,
Beyonce doesn't take sick days
The most successful people schedule their friendship time, their sexy time, and their family time so seamlessly... so that they make the most out of every minute and every hour.
My parents have never taken a sick day.
And they have more to be sick about than me.
They fled war, for goodness sake. I only worry about my outfit changes.
I am perfectly healthy. Have never gotten so much as a minor flu, or a cold, or a headache.

A relatively fit bitch with a few curves thrown in.

But I am tired. I am tired of being gracious.
I am tired of monotony. And, tired of owing other people my time,
tired of the pressure to explain my time, and it's efficiency or the lack there-of,
tired of smiling, tired of being expected to work til I'm tired....