Write Baby

"If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it" Beyonce, Single Ladies.

I have 1.5 years to do whatever it is that I need to get done in Maine and to get that paper that said I worked hard. Not a paper that says I'm smart or better, but one that says I finished and I put the hours in.

One of the lessons about having people I love far away is that they too, are pushing through, to get to where they need to be. There are things people trade for other things, in hopes that, somewhere in their life they'll be lucky enough to have both.

Because I put 200 percent into anything I want to attain, I realize that I too, have to be there. I have to push through the hard part to get to the happiness. And hopefully, in time, it gets a little less hard. Right now, the only thing on my agenda is this paper. Not a significant other. Not friendships. Because I don't ever fail myself the way other people do. The next 1.5 years is prove to myself that I can do it by myself. Then I can hopefully lean, hope, and be human... but not until I heal from the hardest relationship. 

Sometimes people have to push through and people have learned this much faster than me. Probably because I want everything and I deserve everything.

But because I want it all, I can't settle for subpar when I already knew, when I already had, something much better.

I wrote this piece in 10 minutes while drinking some vodka. It marks the return to my poetry. 

I drag it out until the fibers rip and then
 I try to stitch them back together
They're contorted, ugly
The result of multiple fights... in which, I am the only one
fighting
The result of a love that was fucked from the beginning

But, let me tell you
that fuckery was orgasmic
Each step lifted from the quick sand tasted like chocolate brownies
after sex
like thunder after drought
like a massage after going miles and miles
and miles down failure lane

that lead to nothing but glimpses of what won't be
and still I methodically stitch


I am the GOD of us
I make impossible rise

I am the power to your power Listness
I am the soldier

and you can't defeat me in US