Obvious things that My is just now learning

October 15, 2021

Part 1: Femininity and Masculinity

I always had this weird complex that told me I wasn't feminine enough.  I had this image in my head of what a feminine face looks like and what features it has. Mainly, I wanted hips because "feminine" "women: had hips. I also wanted small feet because "women have small feet." How ridiculous! Of course, it's 2021 so all of that is silly and not particularly evolved but still...

Sometimes I wonder if that is what all the contouring and all the make-up is trying to do, trying to widen the chasm between what feminine looks like and what masculine "looks like." Trying to cover for what biologically isn't very different. Also nails. Sometimes, with no make-up on and my hair up, I look more like my dad than my mom. Without the different body parts and the pressure to lift or to eat a certain way, do the "two" sexes actually look that different?

Hint- nope! But it still blows my mind. I am not as evolved as I'd like to be either. 

 And, all that aside, I still like to perform femininity because I like to and it makes me feel nice and empowered but I also recognize now, that it's a performance, it's not "natural order." 

Part 2: Asian

Whatever being "Asian" is supposed to mean, I don't feel it and I've never felt it. Sometimes, I feel like an American-Vietnamese but... Asian? A group of 4 billion people with 1920202 different cultures and languages? Ermmm. It hasn't always been acceptable to say it but lately, I'm not big so not worth cancelling anyways. 100 percent of the time I just feel like an American Afro-asian. American because that's where the upbringing took place and where the culture was infused, Afro-Asian because those things are intertwined, which is probably why I don't often feel Vietnamese either. It's a cognitive dissonance. I only feel the intersection. Again, not very evolved with the whole Asian thing, but like Dr. Kimberly Crenshaw always notes "intersectionality matters" 

Part 3: Weight and the weight of Comparison

I'm a small human. Growing up, people always told me I was a big human but on the charts, I'm actually very small. 10th percentile in weight and 30th in height for "women" my age small. It's all who you compare yourself to. And... it doesn't matter. The 90's were dumb that way. The same obviously applies to who you have around when it comes to success. All my friends have college/master's degrees and several are now making six figures or buying homes... I am not. Not yet. When you go to rich schools, even your friends of color are more likely more well off. I make more than twice the median income and am more educated than 87 percent of people in the U.S. but... the small world is bigger than the big world. Again, it's obvious but worth relearning.

Part 4: Celebrities. Who Cares?

I used to love celebs growing up. NaS. Kobe. Brad Pitt. Obama. Beyonce. But celebrities are messed up. Why? Because all people are complicated and messed up. To grovel at their feet and listen to every word they say? Why? To take that as fact? Nope. When, not if, they fall, it also makes it ok not to hate them because they weren't the center of the universe to begin with, but just a human. It actually, I think, makes us more empathetic. 

 Part 5: Real

 I tend to judge women who don't look "real." The over-contouring, the surgery, the fake hourglass, the tan: it all kind of threw me as not natural. But over time, I'm realizing how elitist that is and how patriarchal. People are judged on how they look so of course, many will pay to alter the way they look. Without it, society oppresses women who are not conventionally beautiful. And let's get something straight, we love beautiful people. Beautiful people have it easier in romance and career. People are just nicer to beautiful people. But it's a catch 22 because we also hate people who aren't born that way and "try hard" because it's a "lie". Beauty is capitalism and it's exclusive and old money. And you can't really fit in unless you were born beautiful naturally. Or unless you exercise your butt off because "no short cuts". To contribute to the meritocracy mindset does suck. To tell people they should accept their place in an unequal society is worse. To the girls with the fake boobs and butt lift and the nose job, I'm starting to get it. I'm slowly unlearning my judgement of you. Otherwise, I'm a upper millennial  J. Cole/ Ice-Cube like Black man who believes everything revolves around him and his hotep tendencies.