Nuance

Peace comes when you give something your all.
You don't think it's going to come
but it comes.

"How do we mend when we're worlds apart?
Ooh, carry on
Ooh, from the start
Somehow, we fell in love, then fell right out of touch
And ooh, that was hard
But ooh, here we are"  -Anderson .Paak "Make it Better"


There's this thought out there that I find kind of ridiculous. The thought of "new-age half-assing" I call it. The thought that, "hey, I can't give my all because that's vulnerable! Why should I be vulnerable if other people aren't vulnerable? Why should I be genuine and true if other people aren't?"

That is... no way to live. The heart is strong and it rebounds if one gives it a chance to. It's better than being afraid to beat and staying flat.

We're going through shared trauma in the world right now. There is a lot of fear. A lot of suffering. A lot of love that we wish we could share with one another NOW.  Now that it's harder to. The isolation that many folks must feel in addition to being sick or not having enough money is overwhelming. I believe whole-heartedly that human dignity comes from the light and humanity we give to each other.
---
So why half-ass that? Are we all moody teenagers? Do we need to split the bill evenly 7 ways? It doesn't make sense.
--

What makes sense is the fear from pain that comes from something you value not working out, of course. And there's no way to avoid that. It's like having your heart shatter. It's like your eyes are an endless fountain of sappy, unstoppable tears. It's like the same conversations with your friends over and over again.

It's like a losing fight. It's like putting the beauty of what once was onto a ventilator and hoping and wishing and holding the hand of that connection just to see it slip away.  And it sucks because there's no nuance in the humiliation and loss. None.

And then, for me, peace comes.

Peace comes because I didn't leave anything on the line. Peace comes because I never played games or pretended like I didn't care. Peace comes because I put my hours in. Peace comes because I stripped myself down. Peace comes because I said what I needed to say.

And so I can sleep in peace at night because I know that while I can't control anything else or anyone else, I can control me. And when I've lost enough battles of unrequited this and that, I realize that my foundation is unshatterable and I realize that my perspective is longer and wider.

At 17, I was too privileged to date who I dated and we were on different paths.

At 21, probably for the first time, I realized I was beautiful.

At 25, I was fighting wholeheartedly and I needed my fighting spirit to be valued and not ducked.

At 29, someone else's projection of pain and insecurity was not going to get in the way of my joy.

And at 31, really 32, I realized that I lose A LOT because I get in the arena and the euphoria of joy and pure human connection made it worth it.

Or maybe it is years after the fact that I realize those things about a My at those ages. Each time I cried and then I danced.

But I'm not this confident, slightly cocky, woman that I am, if I wasn't a woman who got into the arena and lay her heart bare for those she felt worth it. And even as they may be not worth it today, they were worth it at a point, because we as humans are beautiful, stunning and worthy.

If there is anything to be learned today, in the midst of this worldly chaos, it's the profound truth that people can die alone and you have to give people their flowers when they're here and tell people things that you feel, regardless of whether they're at the place in their lives where they're capable of hearing it.

I want to love like this kid always.
--

"I wanna talk about my days as a youth to you
Exposing you to all my demons and the reasons I'm this way
I would like to paint a picture, but it'll take more than a day
It would take more than some years to get all over all my fears
Preventing me from letting you see all of me perfectly clear
The same wall that's stopping me
From letting go and shedding tears
From the lack of having father, and the passing of my peers
While I'm too scared to expose myself
It turns out, you know me better than I know myself
Better than I know myself, well how about that?

She gets him, you get me
She hugs him, you kiss me
You tell me, you miss me
And I believe you, I believe you
She gets him, you get me
She hugs him, you kiss me
You tell me, you miss me
And I believe you, I believe you" -J. Cole "She's Mine" 

 J. Cole "She's Mine"