Masculinity

In late December, as I read through "The Short and Tragic Life of Robert Peace," I couldn't help but keep that book in my head and in my heart for days. Not because I was trying to extract some kind of greater social message that was already inherently obvious to me but because it unconsciously spoke so much about masculinity, and in particular, Black masculinity. 

How does a brilliant young man from Newark, find his way to Yale, but then still fall back into Newark and get his life cut short by bullets in the Newark streets? There a lot of things that are easy to point out, race, poverty, the environment, lack of opportunities, but I think in his case, and perhaps many other cases, the culprit is masculinity and it's unbending relationships with all of those things.

In 2015, ideas about feminism tend to be more embraced and understood then they've been in previous decades. Women are making strides. Which, is, wonderful, BUT that is the advantage of mainstream feminism. Women can choose to be the breadwinners of families, and men can choose to be fine with it.

But, I imagine it's different in communities ravaged by poverty, where couples don't have those choices, and where a lot of the men are pulled away from their families, locked in cells, unpaid, and emasculated. It's simply my guess, and my analysis of the whole situation. When you take away anyone, let along a young male's, power of money and having security and being a presence in his family, they would overcompensate. I think Robert Peace did, so he could survive by all means necessary, so he could be a man by all means necessary. I think anyone would.

It's easy to talk about feminism sometimes, and the conversation is centered too much around white voices, if I were honest. But in other communities there are other factors that make it more complicated. A Black/Brown/Asian boy may not feel able to cry, show weakness, show genuine emotions, be vulnerable, in a society that may not fully accept him, where he's already devalued, where he's already vulnerable. He cannot back down in a society where he's already pushed against the ropes. And that, actually, from my view, from my little bit of experience, ruins genuine relationships.

I don't want to intellectualize a conversation is painful, but I think when young boys live in a community that doesn't have enough fathers or fathers that can provide adequately, it gnaws at them but that overcompensation, and that pride masked by this facade of overt and excessive masculinity, may actually perpetuate the problem.

But what do I know? I haven't scientifically studied it, wrote an ethnography about it. I just know that I see the facade a lot, and I hate it. I would venture to say that "the media" makes it hard enough to be a boy and society/capitalism makes it even harder if you're not a white boy. I don't think the sticking out your chest, acting out of anger, and the "being the man" of the house, or to a lesser extent, "being a playa" who can charm and, in essence, be more powerful than a lot of women, is done because a disproportionate percentage of men of color are shallow, but alternatively because it comes from a place of great pain.

I think somewhere in there, too, somewhere in the beast of hyper-masculinity, is one of the reasons why THE LGBTQ community has a more immensely painful experience with acceptance in minority communities. Asian-American communities where fathers are expected to run the household except they're working in factories or minimum wages jobs, where they don't speak their boss's language, and where it wouldn't be enough anyways.  When you're expected to provide, making $8 an hour, or for that matter $15 for one-hour of your living, breathing time on this earth, isn't empowering. Black and Latino communities where the crop of potential-filled men are targeted because of the ways laws and written and reinforced. This is not to say that bigotry and homophobia or transphobia doesn't exist in white communities, where certainly it still runs rampant. But it is to say that a lot of people in minority communities haven't gotten as much of a chance to realize the American dream of a mom, a dad, 2.5 children, a dog, in a beautiful home, and there lies at least part of the conflict.

I hope we make progress in 2015 but I think we have far, far, far to go when it comes to equality in America.

Ourselves as the Future

I'm so comfortable. I'm so comfortable to pursue my tunnel vision dreams of being a great teacher, reformer, student. I sit in my old bedroom, which I've transformed into my study, in a quiet Maine neighborhood, staring into a pretty backyard, living under the guise and protection of my parents and extended family.

Flying under the radar and unbothered. The fact that there aren't a lot of people with similar interests and passions here, the fact that there aren't similar experiences, is, I realize, a first world problem. 

But I'm glad they'll be an endpoint to it. So eager. After all, I am a woman who resides in the first world and aim to reap my share of its benefits. Like being more known, with a voice more strong than it is in suburban Maine. And transferring to a graduate school with more name recognition, providing more challenge, and potential opportunities. And being on the bottom rung of each job placement, I admit, though I like much of what I do and have done in the past 3.5 years, I don't like that rung much.

There's too many victims of that here in Maine. Potential just going nowhere. Less by choice and more so by a sort of intergenerational quicksand that, actually defines much of this country.

I don't like feeling like I have more potential and creativity than I'm able to contribute. I don't like feeling stifled or being in a climate where the unspoken (or sometimes clumsily spoken) rule is that young women have to be politically agreeable because of our lack of clout. I'm good at it, I've learned how to walk the tight-rope quite well throughout the years. I'd even argue that one needs to learn how to play poker a little bit in this society, to learn its ins and outs, observing it, and using it to her advantage, before she can use those resources, that clout, to venture out. But, one can only do for so long.

The better schools and bigger jobs are waiting in Boston, Connecticut, New York if I know how to play my cards right.

Out there, too, are people I've yet to meet. In my perfect future, I imagine a perfect partner, filled with strength, compassion, intellect, insatiable drive, inflexible work ethic, compatibility, real world experiences, and kindness will plop into my lap, but it won't happen here, on a futon, in my parent's home, in conservative Maine, in Northern New England... where bros, and fronters, and man-whores, and entitled boys, and wannabe rockers/rappers, are around every corner. I haven't sought it. I almost expect it. I'm not 16 anymore, my partner has to be a good man. But I need to at least make myself present in that world first before the white picket fence and the agreed-upon value that we will send any future offspring to Yale, Stanford, or Harvard... while maintaining their humility, and rich understanding of a history of people of color in this country... I need to put myself out there.

The same mindset goes for friends, which have been almost unnecessary here, which I don't have any time to perform for here, but who I will need for my soul in the future.

I don't make resolutions, so why write all this? As people of color, we deserve to strive hard. We deserve to see oil paintings of us in museums, streets and schools named after us, ourselves as professors at Ivy Leagues, and college buildings dedicated to our work. But right now, even seeing teachers of color is a rare occasion. As people of color, those individual accomplishments, along with a whole slew of systematic changes is necessary for history to start to write a new, more inclusive, chapter. Some day, "uppity", in a benign, inclusive sense, will be more of the norm. We want "uppity", albeit, kind and introspective, Asian, Black, and Latino kids running around Yale, and running future businesses too. As people of color, we deserve to have things too. And not unnecessarily things like jewelery, expensive cars, and furs, that the media allows us to have to make its case for our superficiality, but real things, like savings accounts, bonds, a library, and a secure home. (New Black, as people like Pharrell are known, and there's nothing wrong with it.)

And I'm working at it, fighting it, every year because I want more for my kids, myself, my parents, and my legacy. I want a masters. I want a doctorate. I want that clout to be like, "now it's my turn to speak."

Whenever a minority community member commits a crime, it's attributed to the entire community. People ask what's wrong with the entire community. They don't realize that the way they frame the question is inherently racist/sexist/homophobic.

It should be that way about the good things too. I don't know how to change it for everyone, but I've been working my ass off for a lifetime to change it for me.