Intrinsic

"Been through some things, but I couldn't imagine, my kids stuck at the border (Straight up)
Flint still need water (Straight up)
Niggas was innocent, couldn't get lawyers (On god)" 21 Savage 

I don't watch motivational speakers because I tend to feel that all motivation comes from within. Every ounce of motivation, from what you do to who you love comes from within.

People who do not do things for self-less reasons, when left to their own devices, will undoubtedly do selfish things.

For example: men cheat because they intrinsically want to and they apologize because the world provided them with extrinsic motivation, also known as guilt and threats, which showcase the consequences of what it might cost them to not repent. But if there were no consequences, no one hurt, no family destroyed, no image shattered, there would be no apology.

Hence every time a Carmelo, or an Off-set gets caught, I jokingly hope that the Lala or the Cardi leaves them in the dust forever. They did the thing because they are grown-ass men who wanted to do the thing that they did and they apologized because they were gonna lose their kids and because they were being clowned on twitter. In other words, will-power is real and no one can make anyone do something he/she doesn't want to do, regardless of his/her ideas of right and wrong.

This post is about friendship and relationships and communication and love. And also growth.

Communication is an interesting thing because communication is important and refreshing and difficult. But, to me, one has to walk the line with communication. There's a line between communicating how you feel, what you want, and what you want the other person to do. Because to me, it's vital that people arrive at what they're meant to arrive at on their own, without coercion.

Which makes desire a tricky concept because reciprocation at its purest in intrinsic.

I don't want you to do what I want you to do. I want you to do what you want to do. And though it's hard and frustrating beyond reason, it's only when what you want to do and what I want you to do matches without any ounce of guilt or coercion, only when it matches through sheer destiny, that it was meant to match.

Another example: I ask my friend out to breakfast. She could go but it requires her to wake up 45 minutes earlier than usual and it's cold.  She says yes because she wants to see me and she would do it for me (intrinsic motivation.) She says yes because we haven't seen each other in a while and there would be hurt feelings or a continued disjointed friendship where it's not awkward but fewer things are shared if she didn't and it's probably the right thing to do (extrinsic motivation). Intrinsic motivation is always better.

As I've grown older, I've grown better at communication but I also know that guilt, hurt, and disappointment don't work. Punishment, like is done to prisoners, does not work. Threats do not work. Growth, for me, is knowing the difference between the effort that is vital for every connection, and not being any person's extrinsic motivation.

I don't push anyone to do anything he or she doesn't want to do, not students, not lovers, not my parents, no one.

I've become the "you do what you want. You do what makes you happy. You deal with your own consequences." girl. None of us are all-knowing so we can't dictate someone else's truth and desires.

What gets tricky then is having it perceived as giving up on people, or a lack of effort, or lack of communication. What it gets perceived as then is saying that if I were LaLa, I wouldn't work on it with Melo because his intrinsic motivation caused him to be a dog and it's not my job to make him feel enough shame and guilt to not be a dog, especially if he wasn't going to arrive there on his own. So maybe it is giving up.

But people are their own humans with their own human hearts and their own human minds.


P.S.- Maybe this post is also about men of color who say society expects them to act in some harmful ways towards the women in their community so they do. To which I say, intrinsic motivation should be stronger.

P.S. -This post is not about anything other than relationships and certainly not about systemic racism.

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"To all the good girls that love hustlers
To the mothers that put up with us
To all the babies that suffered 'cause us
We only know love because of ya
America is a motherfucka to us, lock us up, shoot us
Shoot our self-esteem down, we don't deserve true love
Black queen, you rescued us, you rescued us, rescued us" -Jay Z