Changes

"There's a war on the streets and a war in the Middle East." - 2Pac, 22 years later, crazy.

"I am from the miles of water in the Pacific
which connect my past to my present
I am from Vietnamese street talk
to African American dialects
I am a belief in love and passion
I am from sweet-toothville
I am from womenkind and womensorrow
I am from funny dumb jokes
from the league of runners who travel the world,
from the league of writers who paint the road those runners tread on,
I am from imagination and reality
I am from shyness and courage.
I am from opinions." - 1/21/14

As an ice-breaker, my grad Professor asked us to jot down a short I AM FROM poem. I am the only person of color in that class and so I chose to write a little bit about where I was and am from. My work culture and school culture are very White. Having a foundation of what makes up me has been a coping mechanism as I begin to locate and keep myself whole in Maine.

--

Culture, in short, is a collective of people in a system who follow and understand the same set of values and norms.  Being a diversion from said "culture" is taxing. Those people are called activist. They work for social change, from the inside-out, from the bottom-up.

Many never exist to see the change that results. I ask myself those questions every day.  Do I exist to make Maine feel more inclusive for folks like myself? Do I work my ass off to make sure that I amount to something here? Or, do I use my energies elsewhere and tell myself that that isn't my responsibility, tell myself that my energies should be used to ensure my social and emotional health.

--

This reality was the primary reason why I left this state after College. I wanted, so badly, so viscerally, to see more faces and be inspired by more people like me. I needed to have conversations and get advice from people of color about how to manipulate around and maneuver into professional fields where, historically, people of color are shut out of. And I needed that support system.

In some senses, D.C. did that. I had Program Managers and lead teachers who were women of color. And I saw, other young people, like me, who were working to get there. While the Capital is really a heartless place to live, a place where gentrification runs rapid, and an even harder place to form genuine friendships, it showed me a glimpse of progression.

Maine, has the possibility, but it moves slowly. Because any young, progressive, intellectual, proud person of color who wants to form strong connections with other P.O.C. won't live here. Southern Maine has a huge population of 1.5 and second generation young people under 35 whose parents and relatives come from all around the world, from Jaimaica to Viet Nam, to Somalia, to Cambodia, to Burundi, to Puerto Rico, to Sudan, to Thailand to basically everywhere. It's fucking awesome. And those kiddos are as American as anyone else. But their parents are not. When they go to school, the won't see teachers who look like them. When they go to work, they won't see bosses and colleagues, and co-workers, who talk their language. When they go to grad classes, they won't see professors or other students who relate to their cultural sensitivities. And if they want that to change for their younger siblings, and children, they either have to leave or choose to be the guinea pigs and trail blazers.

That choice, man.
--

Here, it is as if long-term residents can't grasp that their culture IS culture. That anyone who is new has to penetrate the set culture. When my organization did a workshop on how to talk to parents on home visits, we spoke about poverty a lot, but the organizers didn't touch on race. It bothered me SO DEEPLY. When you have privilege, it's hard to see.

---

Being in Maine, oddly, has made me think about the Philippines. About making the transition from preschool to elementary-aged students here, and then using that knowledge to go back there. 
The Philippines because it has a complicated history as a Nation and its people have a complicated identity, just as I do, the Philippines because it transitioned me here, yet I never looked back to it. To Manilla and the Refugee site and how that changed the course of my life: how that changed my future.

When I was with my ex, I thought too about teaching in Zimbabwe or elsewhere in Africa. And also too because those who related to me and accepted me at Colby were from Zimbabwe and other countries in Africa: so much more so than the African American and Asian kids ever had. It still crosses my mind.

The struggle of, a sense of outcast, the bonding of people from elsewhere in prestigious White spaces. Maybe it is that I need to get out of the White space once in a while just to see how the world, outside of white spaces builds relationships.

I am being educated in Maine but I can't imagine staying. Mostly because, I am 25 and I don't know where I belong yet. I am working towards it but I have no idea where IT is, I just know when it doesn't fit.

Where will I be most of use, where will I make the strongest connections and speak with my strongest voice.... Here, I am spending all my time penetrating culture and deflecting the alienation I feel about striving for my goals independently, there is little room for voice. It's funny how one feels right at home in South Africa, or in a class of students from different colleges going at it out about social justice, about hunger and sexism, about Education but in her hometown, where she is an educator, she doesn't feel herself present. She has everything to say but she can't speak.
I will probably go to the end of this Earth, to find a piece of this Earth, I belong to and can make a mark on.

 

Lately, J. Cole has been doing what only NaS once did: creating songs that make me cry and make me think.  

"And girl I know it hurt but if this world was perfect

Then we could make it work but I doubt it"

 

"But it was not your fault but mine, And it was your heart on the line

I really fucked it up this time, Didn't I, my dear?"

 

Up until November, I had always HATED this song. But now, it's kind of an anthem.