Friday nights

"This is bad, real bad, Michael Jackson" -Kanye West

I love my Kanye West quotables. The truth is- my anti-socialness often make Friday nights tougher than most other nights- when I'm immersed in so much work that I don't have the adequate time to sleep. My to-do list would not be as stressful if I started on Fridays. My weekends would be relaxing.

The realization that it's Friday on Friday mornings is magnificent. IDK- I've been dealing with same problem for a long time and it creeps in every Friday or Saturday. Sure my roommate is here, and Kim and Sarah are here, and when Pat was at Colby, she'd definitely be here on Friday nights- probably going to dance or a movie.

I do love my friends and I'm very blessed but honestly I don't treat them well, or hold them on as high of a regard as I should because I've always wanted something more. That essentially is the problem- it's not like friends are always going to be there- and it isn't as though I should be picky.... there is of course a different need and a different "lust" in my perceived necessity of something else, and that necessity always presents itself to be more crucial and "important" than this one, even when I refuse to realize how blessed I am for having several of "this type" of relationship.

Technologically then, on Friday nights, it sucks.
It's hypocritical- I'm selfish enough to want to be someone that people hold in high regards- or even need- but the people who are there for me- I won't humble myself to the level where I accept them as necessary. I take advantage of the fact that they might always be there. I "need" something else- when in essence it's teenage angst in an adult woman's body.

Friday mornings are great when one walks around and she is blessed with moments that make her happy beyond words. Small, tiny moments that are irreplaceable. Friday nights when I'm not partying or dancing- what the hell am I doing? Internally I'm not this person my friends are, I'm kind, I'm sweet, I'm quiet but I'm a city girl...... that's why Colby was so hard. I like to drink, and dance, and dress up kind of risky, I've been distracted the last few times with... fucking "needs". As "conservative" as I might seem, or as the people I associate myself with are, I'm not.

Not knowing is hard....
One can approach it in the sarcastic "whatever" tone.
Or not approach it at all.
Or approach it and not really understand this "suggested solution" which isn't a solution.

Idk- I don't dislike people, I think it's me liking people that is the problem. Or more honestly, in my picky stubbornness of the way I treat those I like compared to those I don't give two shits about- or who I wish would simply leave me alone.

It is hypocritical of me. I do the same thing- but I'd like to think that within the hierarchy of people, that those "above me" ala those who my pickiness tells me I have to make a stubborn effort towards understanding what they think or getting to know them... are someway, somehow, unattainable so far because they can't understand my approach and not because my traits are "boring", "inferior" or screams to them "no need to get to know". Like the psychological theory of situation v. personal traits--- I was a psych major once-- I should know this. The hypocrisy of it is I do it, there are people I don't make the slightest effort towards, there are people I find excruciatingly annoying and boring-- and in my pickiness, I only have a certain amount of time- and there are certain people I wish to disperse it to.

I don't believe in leagues, my pickiness tells me more about whose interesting and whose personalities are compatible. There are people who I'm certainly more than willing to release from my life. But then again, that is league, and that is hypocrisy. Because it is uncomfortable... extremely... when someone likes me and I don't like them back. It's easier to just not deal with it and hope they move on quickly.

So why is it hard for me and why I do I never think that that's the case in my case? Arrogant form of a coping mechanism, I suppose. It's all about leagues- if I don't admire someone in some way than I wouldn't insist or take offense or care. But admiration implies something better than self, or something worth working hard to attain... almost unattainable... I'm not content with "everyday normal" or someone on my level of the hierarchy. And as much as I talk about reciprocation, I don't reciprocate to those who don't challenge me, who I don't gain from, who I don't yearn for. And I will be their friend but it's easier to see fault in them and to disconnect. The world is often mean and lonely, and though I like to think I'm kinder, that's not always true.

Brit, Kim, Sarah etc al. all have something that connects them to me- something deeper in them or something philosophical that they have to say-something in them that makes ME happy or ME want to be better. Yet I look at people who are struggling, dealing with drama, or stressed--- and I find an inability to deal with it, a lack of desire to want to understand, and I find it unendearing overall.

A lot of people who I don't see greatness in are invisible to me- as empathetic as I say I am. In order to be my friend or my loved one... in order for me to want you... you have to be better than me. It's twisted.