Woman

"You know til you prove your point, you just can't let it go" -Raheem DeVaughn

Such a cute song.

Especially at Colby, I never thought I'd reach a point where I'd feel stuck. Because it IS Colby, and a lot of the opposite sex is eye candy, talented, and intelligent.... yet I would never put mature, intriguing, or the ability to institute my brain with intellectual stimulation among them. Once in every blue moon, I become intrigued.... and MyMy is intrigued and intellectually stimulated. Unfortunately, no one is perfect and those things lead to unforeseen baggage from person X's part and from mine as well. It's a sticky situation which scares me.... I don't/shouldn't get scared. It's led to this "stuckness" which friends have heard about to a nauseating level.... this is both new and reminiscent to an infamous someone... making it even more so confusing and shocking, bothersome I suppose.

He sings

"woman woman woman

strong

woman woman woman

grown

woman woman woman

special

woman woman woman

beautiful"

If My is all of those words, than why is she walking the very thin line with her pride (which prevents her from acting unwise) and her passivity (which the word suggests is prideful and passive to anything that resembles her level of intrigue and intellectually stimulation) As though it's dangerous I'm running from it--- hoping that in a perfect world it would still follow me--- but it isn't a perfect world. One misstep and I'm falling several stories. Ego complex--- like it has to fight for her the same way she fights for the desirous-- though she can't externally accept that IT, something like it, could ever be desirous or maybe that she doesn't have desires.... well. I only know that when I have desires to act against my mind... and that they're so persistent that my homeostasis level of internal control tends to want to scream at me because there's nothing I can do. The feelings are so new but dangerously old.

Quiet screams at aggression and aggression screams at quiet... and in the end they both want a resolution, though I'm afraid of it. I've been referring to myself in the 3rd person.

Almost as to wish for the storm to be over or to let it carry me, because I'm stuck between a position which is neither stormy or calm, just a mesh of indecipherable(s) mucky weather that could go both ways and I don't know what clothes I need in my suitcase, which defenses I need to ready.

And if it's not going to move and she's not going to move than the fear persists without actual evidence as to why it should. She almost hopes the other side perceives that she has no desire for it to move- for her life is complete without it. (hmmm-- but then again!)

While most people just let life hit them and ride the waves, as I can, the fearful recognition that this situation may be my exception instead of the rule, and I allowed it to be, putting aside an entire four month blog to decipher it's exceptionality. (which hence is pathetic) has caused recent distress.

Especially when the intelligent perspective says it's not supposed to mean anything.... aren't exceptions supposed to be more convenient so they could be noticed and more effort could be levied onto them?

It's fearful and I feel like I'm jumping alone-- whatever happened to independence? The lust, curiosity, stubborness, anger and confusion, is trying to convince me it's something else by it's mere presence. The potential for considering actions which throw off my pride and further my hormonal imbalance is consistently there when it shouldn't be. Having to spend so much internal energy deciphering (what probably is clear as day to other party) is pissing off my need to be in control. Yes I'm stronger than this, but the strength and the passivity doesn't at all submerge the curiosity--- or clarify why THIS specific curiosity in THIS specific situation is so strong when others were never.

sighhh..... the goal is never to stroke the ego of the other party but simultaneously make sure never to hurt it. (Because the bluntness in it makes it kind of fragile.)