Sun

"I'm a monster, I'm a mavin
I know the world is changing
Never gave in, never gave up
I'm the only one I'm afraid of" -Kanye West (naturally)

It's been a difficult week for the campus. I'm glad many people were out and about today-- a lot of us may have reached our threshold of this situation.... for now at least about the tension-- not the empathy, hopefully.

That was a long sentence. Take Back the Night was yesterday- the showing was small, but understandable considering how the campus is feeling in light of this week, and for the most part those who were there got something out of it. I had a nice conversation after a hard day and a long week, a conversation I didn't expect to have with someone I never expected to talk to- it was comforting.

Honesty, right? There are only four weeks left of school and though each weekday I am thoroughly exhausted, getting fatter, sleeping less, being confronted with awkward situations, I don't know what I'm going to do without it this summer. I don't know if I can go and realize that in 2 years, the real world will hit me, and coming into this summer knowing that everything, even little minute things, will be ok.

There are big worries I ought to have but I don't worry about them and they feel ok, it' the little worries that I must rid of in order to properly function and not have them turn into bigger worries. It makes sense to me. If it starts off being a big deal, one knows it's a big deal, so why bother making it a bigger deal? Small deals linger in your head and nag at you until they become big.

For instance, at dinner yesterday, my friend said that she thinks I'm pretty well respected on this campus. I disagree- I understand that getting respect doesn't necessary mean getting high marks, or being the best at something, but sometimes people get respect for the work they do and the person that they are. Sometimes my presence is too reserved and discreet for outsiders to understand me enough for them to internally carry respect for me- further there are those who do things for the community which people don't know, just because certain people may know that I'm out there- doesn't mean that I receive or am entitled to any kind of respect which others don't have. I see quite a few things I'd like to change about myself before I can say that I'm one those people that students and teachers naturally respect. Not at all. I'm nice enough to receive lip service and it's nice to hope that my closest friends here think well of me.... but outside that realm--- sometimes the more I'm comfortable with Colby- the more certain aspects of being here confuses me.

I apologize for the rant-diary format.

I'm attempting to play connect the dots in a very round about way. Because if one isn't doing many things on campus, or reaching out to the community, if one has consistent free time and still isn't academically stellar-- what is that?

Not that I have to prove myself or be validated or seen... but with all these things, one would hope that some of those things would end up in the result. Everyone knows that curiosity is the end of me, there is a much greater pain in the world right now, than for my mind to create a pseudo-panic state. If curiosity= an inability to be given the concrete facts. Does that mean the concrete facts aren't good and that they are lacking? And they're lacking because of inferiority and an inability to gain attention and .... respect?

The happy, bubbly, giggly awkwardness has been replaced by a disappointed and curious awkwardness, and how much of that is my fault? One is a silly avoidance, the other is lack of acknowledgment. When expectations are low to none and they're not met, I have no choice but to go out there and validate myself.

What can I say? Of course there's a passive aggressive attention seeking by social appeasement aspect. Naturally. It's for the upper echelons like everyone else is also looking upwards, not downwards. I'm part of that pattern--- so how can I be so hypocritical- I keep saying, I don't believe in entitlement.

Anyway, on a separate note, I do hope the college enjoys itself this weekend- calm and enjoyable.