Ride with it

"See I'll be riding, just riding along,
with my daddy on my mind
like you gotta be kidding." -Lil Wayne

I have many guilty pleasures, Lil Wayne being one of them- besides, those words have relevance to this entry. 'Lyrics and Poetry' has been lacking in the poetry department of late....

Rise

Many sunsets and sunrises ago, I let my king slip from my burning fingers.

The hollow tips of invisible icebergs present

are let rung below the surface tensions.

Love, I somehow escaped the collision with nothing more than mere scratches.

Though remnants of hollow tips now have me boxed in with fear.

Deceptively hollow and harmless.

The traces of what's beneath has drowned all those above me.

And dismantled a kingdom which I was once queen, love.

And which you were once it's hollow king.

As the shadow brings constantly what clings and won't fracture- and won't sink

on it's own for the fear of being alone,

so it drags on its lovely queen's throne.

When she merely wishes to yell out FREEDOM.

And so she hides untouched--

until the lonely shadow calls itself eminent

as she's one step from FREEDOM

mere scratches, rearing themselves, as choices

into scars.
As the sun simply rises, the way it always sets

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Several months ago, I replied to an email of an old friend wishing her well and she responded back saying that she loved me like a sister, and I should come visit when her baby is born.

Except I won't go visit her when the child is born, and she doesn't love me like a sister, and with that level of lip service, the talks ended. I remember sitting in architecture class with her boyfriend at the time, as he described to one of his buddies how some crazy fat chick had just overdosed 2 days ago. Two days earlier we were in state of panic in the nurses office trying to figure out who to get in contact with as this 10th grader was staggering through the halls with pupils dilated leaning on a once thinner me. Apparently, this was funny. He was a king for making a 16 year old girl feel like she was getting attention.

We're both nearly 21. Four years ago, even as little as 3 or 2 years ago, I'd catch myself wondering... what happened to my girl only to realize it didn't matter, doesn't matter and shouldn't. Apparently, there's a line that one can't come back from once it's crossed. She never had poetry written out of missing her, ambiguously mentioned in blogs, brought up in casual conversations, or missed the way certain others were. Sure, it was she who cut the strings... but... I was tired of making an effort to mend it, so I didn't.

Only, it's odd that a person like myself, reaches her patience threshold abruptly and defiantely, with no need for closure, with her supposed friend (arguably best friend), --the right choice as it may be-- without any desire to look back and become entangled in that unhealthy mess.

To contrarily have times when I am so insistent on being the midst of unhealthy messes that it makes me sick. The benefit of the doubt, which I don't give to my girl, I insist on bestowing upon my choices of lucky beneficiaries, --- until they prove me wrong.

Only they won't.

Realistically, they're small matters which disappoints and hurts one's pride just a bit. There's been those who can attest that I could stop while I'm ahead and take a small loss. But a loss of pride inevitably leads to swallowing what pride is left in order to "fix" the situation creating the loss of pride.

Only it expands to a mammoth loss of self that is even more so irretrievable. What about this kind of "addiction" causes a down regulation of the necessary defiant and abrupt reaction intended to benefit self? Instead, the behavior is cyclic and undefiant.

And I find myself perplexed by how small matters become worrisome, while I am simulataneously erasing larger matters from my consciousness in order to prevent unhealthy messes from originally forming.