Summer

"Now I'm sitting here and I'm so confused.
Cuz I keep fighting myself for you.
I don't know how much more I can take but I can't feel this way
You got me so torn" -LeToya Luckett

I'm really not that moody- I just merely like the song.

But summer- the only editor I've heard back from is in Dorchester who asked for my cover letter and resume which I readily supplied. Deep breath. I think it's finally hitting me. If I get this internship (fingers crossed), I will be somewhere in Massachusetts with $3000 to live on for 8-10 weeks. At first glance, this isn't too bad, until one does the math out and realizes how expensive it is to live in this country, and she marvels at how her parents do it.

First, I might look for an apartment that's around $600 a month.
Then 2 months of internet access- another $60 overall.
Conservatively, I think food might cost $200 overall but likely $300.
Then depending on the apartment, there's the water bill and the electric bill.
Put aside $40 for 2 months of laundry.
Maybe a hundred dollars for business clothes.

I suppose apartments can run as little as $400 but I want to live somewhere at least half decent- but then again they could be something like $800 a month. I'm terrified of how I'm going to be able to sleep at night in a big city by myself where I know no one. I'm horrible with directions- and somewhat socially awkward- and ah- for the first time, really by myself. Not by myself in the Colby terms where I'm fed, I get the halls and bathrooms cleaned for me, I get free internet access, and cheap taxi tabs, and a million adults around who I can turn to when I have questions. Alone, as in alone.

I imagine it as me, my tv, my computer, my futon- because there's no way I'm taking a bed there, a stack of clothes- shoes, make-up, some paper and pencils, my bike.... which hopefully works as a traveling mechanism.... and several movies to distract me from-- being a girl alone in the middle of a big city.

She must learn to cook for herself because eating out costs at least $10 a day. She must learn to save receipts to get reimbursed for other traveling expenses. She must make short term friends and learn the art of paying bills. She must save some money for the rest of the summer and for the likely $500 of books in the fall... Meaning she should work a little before or after the internship.

Maybe save up some money for a laptop too because my computer is dying and I'm going abroad next year. But expenses aside, the main thing is that.... I'm excited but I'm scared. I'm at Colby and for the most part things are great, and friends are great, except for the moments where I still inevitably feel alone. This blog... and the rants about certain people.... is illogical and for pathetic reasons. I, of all people, know this. But I imagine myself being dropped off in the middle of Boston with no connections, and I'm sure eventually I'll figure my way around and I'll live ok, but the whole being alone thing, and can I go for a run in the middle of the city thing, idk. I've been irrational- maybe because I want a sense of comfort and closure here before I move on. No one is the devil, I say that because I want to make sense out of things. A little curiosity and hurt leads to good poetry. The blog of a near 21 year old female- I hope I laugh at my present self much in the future.