fresh fallen snow

Call me crazy but a fifteen minute walk through a foot of soft and beautiful freshly fallen snow will solve all problems. Especially when it's at 9:15pm, and the sky is pitch black, and the lights are dim, and Miller Library sits above the background like a statuesque master. I'm by myself in my little coat and my problems fade. My weight had been steadily climbing due to my avoidance of my dear friend the treadmill, which has also led to my avoidance of my dear enemy, the scale. So I've been coping out and going on the elliptical every other day and eating much too much dessert as I see my size 3 and 4 pants refuse to pull up, and if they do, they look ridiculous. But I've been quite happy of late so I didn't care or pay too much attention to it. I run and I run fast when I'm under pressure or when stress is overwhelming, and during those times, I'm thin as a stick.

Oy... but I was snapped right back into reality today as I didn't get a position on PCB, which I thought I had the credentials to get. And the thing about Colby is that it does that to me, just when I'm a little high, it pulls me back to the ground again the way High School never did. It reminds me that I have to work hard, and not slack around like I did at Deering and still come out beaming. Life is not that fair and I don't always get everything I expect. I never expected anything under a B here and it's happened twice in three semesters, which is shocking, and makes me question if I'm truly book smart or did I only get here because of my essays and writing abilities. And did Affirmative Action play a great part in that decision? There's a pressure to earn my spot here, which at times is frustrating. So I weathered the storm to remind myself that I can't be too carefree, because it's not a good sign to be having trouble with three 9 minutes miles, knowing all too well that I used to be a size 2 girl who ran 8 minute miles... ha a little depressing, I'm that fire to be perfect that I used to have. I'm a bit of a control freak so it's difficult to balance a carefree liberation, with goals and expectations to be the best I can be, and not waste this blessing that I've been given here. I wonder if I write on a public blog that I want to lose 15 pounds, get 4 A's, go to more parties and be more outgoing next semester, that it'll put more pressure on me to actually achieve those things. I like pressure so I just did. I don't think it's too much to ask, but I've just had trouble following through with goals of late, and sure I'm happy and finding myself, but I also want that to resonate on my body and in my grades; can't resort to complete outcast hippie status

Oy, PCB was dissappointing, but I'm still on the Echo staff and mentoring, so as long as I do my best in those positions and keep myself busy; hopefully next semester will be my best thus far at Colby. Besides, there's nothing better than sightseeing after a 3 mile run in the gorgeous soft snow complete with a nice long shower and blogtastic rant.

... next blog will be much less like a diary entry. I must be crazy when I start enjoying Maine and its crazyass weather.