Back and Forth

"Come. These are the tales of The Cool.
Guaranteed to make you go and fail from your school
And seek unholy grails like a fool." -Lupe

So I'm at Bally's doing my 7.4 mph pace to quality yet still workout worthy tracks like Lupe's classic. I was in the zone, feeling lean and strong... like I could've been an athlete in high school if I had had the same work ethic that I have today. I guess whatever spirit or God or whatnot saw that I was feeling myself a bit much compared to people who seem to join gyms to begin their journeys into a healthier lifestyle, and who therefore aren't so fit at the moment. And so IT, knowing how competitive I am, sent in this toned (like Kelly Rowland toned) woman who proceeds to run at 8.2 mph for an hour in front of me with no need for headphones... which is a bummer.

Because I'm young and healthy and too competitive, my immediate reaction was to able to beat or at least match her by the end of the year. I came back later and began doing a 7.5 mph pace... and a few days after that, a 7.6.

But I think IT is trying to say that gyms are places people who have had the luxury of sitting in front of a computer for 8 hours a day get to go. They're places for young professionals to sign up for. Because for people who have kids, who work on their feet all day and don't have that extra time to worry about appearance, who look normal/overweight because they eat fast food instead of fancy vegan foods... gyms are a place where people like them feel the judgement from young, democratic, educated, vegetarian, non-profit people like myself, who tend to be pretentious when it comes to telling people how to live their lives. I had heard the same idea dolled out in the form of an overwhelming spoken-word poem by Tara Hardy but it didn't truly resonate with me until I was in the moment. So the 8.2 mph girl was a slap in my face, maybe for the times I was feeling myself compared to a mother of 3 who can only do 4.5 mph because she's been taking care of her kids' rather than taking care of herself......

But again.... that's not the first thing anyone sees.

All anyone knows is that she's fat and slow. AND she also has no idea what to wear as workout clothes. Judgement is a perpetuating cycle and through stares or being unopen to the idea of expressing our love to imperfect people, we make people apologize for the skin and body that they're in. I catch myself doing it because the first thing anyone sees is appearance or the stereotypes that poor people, fat people, and people of color fit into.

That's why I leaned out and bought straight teeth (and am saving up to make them even more 'Hollywood') and tried to do well academically. I feel how innately shallow people are and I didn't want my image or any unfair first impression to be an obstacle for my own career or love.

When you grow up you're supposed to find yourself, stereotypes and looks don't matter as much... your intelligence and personality is merit enough. But to an extent, it's BS. People are beautiful in many different ways but it sucks that we're so visual that people don't see one-another's assets or are able to accept different kinds of beauty.

No boy will truly love a fat girl and beautiful couples are in-shape couples and presidents are tall etc... first impressions determine if one even has an opportunity to get a second impression. So I'm in D.C., very activist-y... but I haven't become any less shallow than before and I wonder if I ever will. At least 45 percent of it is about a lifetime overcompensation for being that chubby teenager, I'm sure... but what about the other 55?

And regardless, I should be worried about other things.

Americorps puts me at a familiar crossroads.

Yes being the oldest grandchild in the family has multiple of perks. I'll always be protected by my parents, aunts, uncles, and grandmother and looked up to my brother and cousins. But first I gotta figure myself out and give them something to look up to.

Now it's about searching for a permanent job or going back to school OR

going back part time. I'm consistently surrounded by mothers which points out all the flaws of going to school for 4 or 5 more years, being 30 and in debt when I graduate, and way behind when it comes to family compared to career. And family in my family is BIG... and as much I love to travel and do random shit, family is kind of great. I see elder clients who often feel linguistically isolated and trapped because they don't know how to sign up for their own health care services or navigate the American world around them... but they seem more at ease and content than American-born elders and it probably has to do with the Vietnamese idea of family.

But I finally got around to signing up for the dreaded GRE anyway. Working full time makes me feel like I'm in the world full time and I don't know anymore whether I want to put that off for being a student again.

Why are all my thoughts pointing to not being a student?

30 when I graduate with a bunch of resume boosters that'll say I've studied this and read this and traveled here and therefore I'm better than you. Maybe it's against my anti-elitist philosophy. But without it, an Anthro BA doesn't come with that many luxuries that a girl who wants to eventually be a grown-up and have enough not only to provide for her hippie faux-thick-skin self but to provide for a beautiful future as well has to consider. So I'm considering it... even when part of me just wants to magically be given a good job I'm passionate about that pays well so I don't have to read a bunch of books and write a bunch of papers to prove that I'm better than people who are out there working hard.

Beautiful like Adele.