Control

“I just want to throw my phone away, find out who is really there for me.” – Katie Perry
The entry has evolved over time, see if A and B relate: 

A: The Original Post
Some lessons need to be learned more than once.

The lesson of control is mine.

Learning that I can’t control how people feel, when people act, how people act, how people REACT, what people give, if people change, what steps people take, and most importantly whether or not people understand me.

I’m relearning over and over to be ok with not having a clean, set path, that they have to fall into; and to not freak out when they don’t.

Sometimes I think my world would fall apart when people don’t abide by my imaginary trajectory, so I have to have my hand in everything to steer the ship to where I like it. But to be cliché, the ocean doesn’t flow that way and everyone has his/her own ship which he/she will steer in the direction that he/she envisions and at his/her own pace. I'm too hard on them... simultaneously too hard on myself.

I always feel that if people don’t work on something, it will die. 

It’s interesting though, to consider, dozens of times over, that plants which aren’t nourished sometimes aren’t meant to be. People will do what they want to do and be there when they choose, and the life lesson to be learned over and over and over, is to trust in oneself enough to let it go, and know that I will be ok.

I always blow a fuse when people give plateau statements like, ‘you’ll be fine.”

So I have a tendency to “pull teeth” to get what I feel I deserve from people I care about. And I keep doing it, but gradually it’s happening less intensely and less often.

I’ve managed to find the light after every “battle”, and each time, it ends up how it’s supposed to. Sometimes “it’ll be fine” in a different way. Sometimes ‘fine’ means learning strength and independence.

It’s a lesson I’ve told my friends a thousand times, but haven’t completely accepted for myself. In the large scheme of things, most things are minor, just learn to let it go, something better is ahead and move forward. Meet people where they’re at, let them do them, and accept them for who they are. By no means do I have to like it, but I'm lackluster too all the time, people fight when they want to.  

If I had stuck to the job I wanted, settled the dude I liked, held onto philosophy I had as teenager, I would be miserable today. It’s all true. This won't be the last time I'll learn about control, that's obviously true. I wear my heart/my needs/ my dreams on my sleeve... every part of it is an open book.. so control will always be hard. But cognitively I know, some ships will collide when they’re meant to and others sail pass one-another like they’re supposed to. 

I like Demi quite a bit. She's done a lot for young girls (and women) who have a hard time accepting their beauty and their bodies. And yay Frank Ocean for being a role model to a lot of young males who are working up the courage to accept and love themselves, his album is beautiful.

Digging this song and "Birthday Cake" makes me SMH at myself. 

B: 

"You know that I could use somebody,
Someone like you and all you know and how you speak
Countless lovers under cover of the street" - Kings of Leon

I get turned off and defensive whenever people say things about certain parts of D.C. or New York but I’m not a native of either cities. However, whenever I’m in Portland I see patterns in immigrant communities that makes me question my own prejudices.

Like consistently wondering if there is a way to wean people of color off food stamps or public services after a certain number of years. Yes it allows them to feed their families but it’s detrimental to the perception of immigrants because it’s disempowering and perpetuates negative stereotypes about anyone who is not U.S. born.

It’s a chicken and egg issue, is it the government’s fault for investing more money into social service programs that keeps a certain type of person oppressed rather than in educational programs which will actually uplift? Or is it the people’s fault for accepting the help without seeking ways to empower themselves out of that government dependency?

Working at a community organization for a year, I saw a lot of fishnet, temporary services when education programs and financial literacy would solve a tremendous number of problems. It’s the reality but I hate having to face people of color struggling to get by, especially grown men and women who are independent beings... it wore on me at the end.

But how do you get people to verve out of their safety zone when they first come to the U.S. and not clump into enclaves so they can gain English literacy, computer skills, the ability to socialize with people who are not from their communities? That’s the issue now, people come to the U.S. for opportunities and end up on the bottom rung of the social ladder... the dependency of people who have so many assets is viscerally frustrating to observe. I just want to shake everyone under 35 and tell them to take out a loan and go to college or take some English classes. 

Because to paint an overly broad stroke, this happens, hate consumes everyone because we’re not that dream: 

The Southeast Asians hate the Muslims, the South Asians think they’re better than the Southeast Asians, the Asians hate the Africans and the Latinos, the Latinos and Africans hate the African Americans, the African Americans return the favor plus some sprinkled prejudice for the F.O.B. Asians who seem to own all the unhealthy businesses in Black communities.

And the parents question their children for having friends (aka negative influences) of different (darker) shades. Their children think they’re old-fashioned and prejudice. And the parents are hurt because the children think they’re more worldly/educated/above  their  “common” parents.

“Just educate yourself.” It’s a really condescending thing to say to a grown up but the American dream, the life one wants for his/her family is not Food stamps, Medicaid, and Supplemental Security.