WOC

Preface: The identity goes through ebbs and flows. But I'm glad it's back. I was feeling too subdued by what the real world tells me it expects. But my opinion and my voice are the only things I have.

"As much as you blame yourself, you can't be blamed for the way that you feel." -Ne-Yo

Doesn’t it “blow you” the idea that we’re all just carbon?  Literally cells that are not so compact. And that without our mind power… to create homes, fire, electricity, technology, clothing, we would actually be near the bottom of the pecking order. We are soft. We are bare. We are weak. We are slow… relatively speaking.We're 7 billion masses of flesh.,

But even among our own species there is a pecking order. People always remind women, feminists, to be more specific, that we are paranoid for being so protective of our bodies, of being overly aware of our surroundings, of hyping up the ideas of male privilege, of being defensive… they make me question myself about it too, at times… but there’s nothing like another mass of carbon, more compact than you, bigger than you, stronger than you, taller than you, and a male… that reminds me that there is a “born privilege” still.

The anthropologist in me doesn't believe in bad areas and ghettos. Crime occurs in moments and "bad" people are everywhere. I'm not fond of the white kid who automatically moves into a condo in Dupont. But for many women of color, the cautious feminist stance often clashes with the liberal social science stance.... because certain people (men) choose to play into their own stereotypes. I get told by black women (plural) to be careful walking now, and I don't know whether or not to shake that off or take it seriously. It's a culture of fear created and perpetuated by stereotypes the white man invented, YES, it's overhyped to ensure an existing dominance, YES, but why be the black dude in the hoodie, acting ignant, grabbing at girls? Why be one of the bad eggs, why be the story they report? Why have women of color afraid of their neighborhood and afraid of you and every other well intentioned male who looks like you when we're supposed to be on YOUR side?

School shooters are white (not once have I heard that mentioned since Sandy Hook), in the suburbs, corporate thieves who steal millions (and not $25 from a purse) are white, gun owners are white.
But all of that is washed out if a person of color does something.
It pisses me off when dudes OC make themselves the easy scapegoat. Brainwashed. Who told them they had to be that way? Who told them to do the white man's work for him?

December has always been that month when one thinks about next steps. I miss the intellectual challenge, the spontaneity, the opportunity to always learn something new, to, as the name of my school suggests, “GROW.”  And I think I long for some permanence… not so much another foot in the door, but to be in the house, designing the house, paying mortgage, making house rules… a career that is home. and the fulfillment which comes from that permanence.  I’m such a young person, we’re such wanderers.

Not to say 3 year olds aren’t a gift,... I live for the "I love you, Ms. Huynh"'s that I get… but I guess I struggle with feeling entitled, of always yearning for more… mentally, intellectually, of being a woman of color who has a place in the world rather than having to look up, listen and follow the lead of people who are not WOC. I did that as a student, as a young person,  (most urban students in the segregated neighborhoods of D.C. and elsewhere do the same.... not only to teachers, but ultimately they listen to the real decision makers),  I'm fed up with it as an adult.

A lot of it probably has to deal with not having the courage to wait out for something greater. That has always been the problem. Sometimes WOC don't believe something great will come along, because the reality is we have to wait longer.... but I need to adapt a so be it attitude. I'm not working my ass off to be the best person I can be, to then allow the system bamboozle me.  No thanks.

Deering High: My alma mater.
It seemed so innocent and non-threatening when I was there. I was a dork. I was thicker. But I was allowed to be that.
It wasn't until College that I had to look a certain way, eat a certain way, be a certain way, and act like it all came naturally. Perfectly smart. Perfectly slutty. Perfectly intellectual. Perfectly fit. It was good and bad because being around 'perfect' people gave me a lot of motivation to be better. But I was in my early 20s. I wasn't a child.

Deering, like so many high schools now, is filled with kids who are trying to be adults. The guys in high school now look like the dudes in college, and the girls dress like girls in college, do things that girls in college do. They're 15.

Perfectly stylish. Perfectly hip. The perfect 'I don't give a fuck' attitude. Perfectly 'experienced.' There pictures and statuses on facebook are something else. If I had came out of my brother and my cousin's era, I probably wouldn't have survived it. What the are boys doing to themselves with the steroids and supplements and what the girls are doing to themselves to be accepted... not realizing that in the long run pleasing high school douche bags is of zero importance. A lot of girls at my 'suburban' high school look like me, and I'm 24. They don't have the luxury of growing out of their awkwardness and into themselves anymore... they just have to do it.

Every time I jog by that school during my vacation time, my jaw kind of drops.

The rush is perplexing because it's not like things will get easier; the Cambodian, Vietnamese, Chinese, mixed, Somali, and Black girls are too fly for words... dolling themselves up, going all the way, make-up, hair, starvation, everything, before they can even drive and do algebra. Maybe it would be ok if they were doing it for themselves but they aren't....not that their love interests wouldn't go after white women anyways. Colby, and most expensive colleges' population is comprised of ~50 entitled, arrogant, douche-bags, there's so much time to be faced with that and they're adding all these extra years.

Speaking of High School: