25 thoughts

25 Thoughts
because I'm 25 and I feel like maturity is settling in and a sense of self is emerging.

1. I have an ego, healthy-sized, maybe even a little big... verging on cockiness, it is genetic. And the fact that I start this blog acknowledging it, is proof. But I don't show it off like a cute puppy.

2. Because I learned from an early age to respect myself enough to set my own standards, and never let them falter. People have always wanted me to be more talkative than I am, more gregarious than I am, and to act like I like them more than I do. I'm courteous and pleasant but I don't act. I focus on tasks and goals and... it upsets folks.. all the time. To which, I say, "eh." This blog is evident that I'm not understated at all times, I can rant as well as the next one, but it is my practice to let my heart and work speak louder than my mouth or anything physical on my body.
I'll pay the price for it, and I do, a lot, but that's better than the alternative.

3.  "The difference between the pretenders and the Kendrick Lamars" J. Cole.  There were always students in Anthropology class who spoke for the sake of being heard, paraphrased and regurgitated someone else's ideas with fancy wording and claimed intelligence. And there were people who were always so generous with their ideas. And people who always acknowledged other people. So that they can hear their own voices, and hope, in their acknowledgment of others that they'll be acknowledged too. It's a natural human yearning, or insecurity, to belong, to be liked, to be seen, to be heard. I understand it and it doesn't bother me...

4. but, it takes away the organic, and purest, and best part of relationships. Be yourself. Be real. Be effortless.

5. On that same note, I hate people who try to impress others. I'll make up my mind what impresses me.

6. My relationships with men are sometimes shaky but my relationships with women, are more difficult. The problems are rooted in the way women, especially women of color, understand privilege. Women (of color) who make it want to feel power. I go through that myself. But that drug can strip away a lot of the humility for others that got them there. The need to have constant power over others to make oneself feel validated is in itself, insecurity. It recreates its own system of privilege among women... and women of color.

7. "But I'm different, I can't base what I'm gonna be off of what everybody isn't." - Jay-Z.  I am not patient when it comes to ambition. So I couldn't live in D.C. I reside in an imagined world where as a woman of color, I can do anything. And in D.C., I was told to "wait"a lot... by people of color... sometimes educated people of color... which makes me question the P.O.C. mentality. You broke the barriers but you're mentally shackled and it's upsetting, the segregation and disparity in D.C. was front and center. And folks were resigned to it, I didn't understand it.

8. I've turned down offers this year that I would have taken in the past because of nothing more than fear and insecurity. But those falls and those settlements made me realize my worth. It made me realize the value of holding out when people try to put my value in a box.

9. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have a family and home that welcomes her back and gives her a place to find her footing so she can reach her potential. It is not ideal to feel a greater level of surveillance than one is used nor to should it be long lasting but it is something to be grateful for and something to take advantage of at this moment.

10. Understanding systems of power is one thing. Finding your own power to maneuver around them is another. No labels, whether immigrant, or minority, or refugee, or woman trumps your label as an equal human being who has power to grow and move. I'm empathetic to the liberal mindset but I'm becoming more moderate, the more I see people's content(demoralization/rationalization/fear/perceived reality... call it what you may). I wish I grew up in a time where people were angry and did something to better themselves and their community. Today, not so much. We have mouths, we have brains, we have voices, those are the most powerful weapons against injustice. Just because you are struggling now, you don't need to accept that that will always be the case.

And some small personal reminders for me and my women.

11. Be selfish and unapologetic about it. No matter how imperfect you are, loving yourself is a must.

12. That includes your body, your curves or lack there of, your muscles or lack there of, your skin, your skin tone, your hair, your hair texture, your eyes, your voice, your brain, your height, your taste buds, your teeth, your lungs, your heart, your bones, your organs, your self-esteem... it all needs love.

13. Exercise, eat junk food once in a while (or every day), let the sugar high make you laugh. 

14. Sing, dance, be a dork, be vulgar. Don't be scripted.

15. Wear what you want. 

16. Give rude drivers (and rude people) the middle finger once in a while, it's what they deserve.

17. It's ok to be a little cold. You're not meant to give away all of yourself to everyone. Save some of yourself for you and those who will put in the work to find you.

18. The addages were wrong. High school wasn't the best. College wasn't the prime. When you grow to love yourself in your mid 20's and 30's and you're no longer competing for acceptance by irrelevant people, that is the best. Wisdom in the 40s is more beautiful than beauty (and stupidity) as a teen.

And some things I always think about when I think about boys..

19. Give yourself a break once in a while and let yourself out. Stop being so hard. Be nice. Like girly things. Work on things other than your muscles, your game, your car..

20. Women give me shit about this, but I think it's extremely hard to be a boy... especially a Black or a Brown boy. Because sometimes when you turn your "masculinity" up too much, it scares the shit out of me and people like me. Walking down the street to the whack-ness that goes on, from the stupid cars, to the street harassment, to the fake slang, to the ridiculous outfits and pick-up lines, I hate it. It's not pleasant. It looks like you're trying to be cool, you're trying to impress people, which is tacky, and, at the same time, intimidating, stereotypical. But if you're not strong, if you don't show that you have something to prove, then... being a boy of color... in a world run by whiteness... is an extremely vulnerable and heartbreaking position to be in. How can you be "softer" when you're a target? And when does always having to please or appease or comfort white men and white women strip away your own power? How do you regain that power? Fake masculinity, which is tacky, how cyclical. Sometimes I give boys the hardest time... it's a gut reaction to the dumbness that goes on... but when I give them hugs, it's much warmer than ones I give women.

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21. Writing from Rwanda, and from my few other experiences abroad, I can see how comfortable people are in their skin and their country. And, whether in the village or in the city, they seem to thrive personally. Whereas, in the U.S., where there are lots of immigrants, and immigrant children...  the poverty rate is lower, and, if they need it, there are services, but the sense of self, assimilation, belonging is not there.

I think as Americans, we view those who don't get acclimated, non-favorably. The sense of accepting what veers from the normal is difficult for both parties. Growing up in the U.S. from the time I could talk, with a standard non-accented accent, I didn't fight the battle of how much I should get acclimated. But, in the U.S., people must get acclimated to the language, to the cultural (typically white) norms, to thrive and to be known for more than just their dances, their clothing, their food. Culture that is a part of a person is not supposed to be looked at as exotic, as a display in a "museum", and with intrigue... it's someone's humanness. And to see someone primarily as his or her culture strips them of their personality, believes, mannerisms, likings that makes up the rest of them.
But people shouldn't necessarily lose culture, just to "be normal" either. In the years to come, there will be career choices and family choices and the sacrifices or tradeoffs of culture and progress is something my generation has to consider.

22. Twenty-five, what have I done? Traveled a few places, worked a few blah jobs, wrote a few things, fell in love a few times, graduated college. Many kids from Viet Nam, and the U.S., and Africa certainly don't make it to 25. But it's momentous because after all of these highly unimpressive things, I'm still given chances to outdo what I've done, to be disappointed in what I haven't done, and to take steps to make those things a reality.
And that is miraculous. I truly believe that those chances that kiddos who pass at 10 or 13 or 19 never will have are compiled into our lucky buckets for us to do something with, to open our hearts and minds, and to better the world around us.

"Blacks always broke cause we don't know money
Spend it before we get it and could never hold money
No wallets, nah, n***a, we'd rather fold money
Money control n****s, white man control money" -Kanye

23. About Excess. I bought my most expensive piece of clothing to-date after months of laboring as a sandwich maker at Wendy's in May 2007. A $230 Black Cache plunging ruffled dress for Deering High School's Senior prom. Maine didn't give girls the option of Forever 21's fake elegance back then, and even at 18, I had a tangible fear of everything flashy and tacky... so no Deb dresses, no colorful gowns flowing to the floor with silver opened toed shoes and hair bundled in the shape of flowers. Never that.

But to divert, at 25, I don't know why I view excess the way I do. Whatever money or assets people have, they should have the right to spend or waste as they please. Starbucks each morning, hair and facial products worth $1000 annually, impromptu trips to Rwanda (my quarter life gift to self), I know. But I guess, somewhere deep in my gut there lies some Buddhist (maybe universally religious) values, of not overtly showcasing to others what they don't have. Of being humble. Of being part of something rather than pointing out that you are more special. I have a mountain of shoes at home, depending on the day, they make me look tall/ tomboyish/ hippyish/ elegant/ athletic and that in-turn, makes me happy. So I believe in having things that makes you happy. I just don't believe in the showcase of things, jewelry, property, and money to place a higher value on oneself than another human when there are people who are just as smart as the next man who have nothing. That's one part of hip hop culture, that's been translated strongly to urban culture, in the U.S., in Africa, in Asia, that I wish people didn't aspire to as much. It has overshadowed the beats, poetry, story-telling, and music that can truly give people a voice of their own.

24. When you're cool, it means you have a preconceived notion of what “not cool” means. To take it back to my first few points, that's why I have a problem when people try to impress me. Coolness is an outer coating which continues to cause a lot of problems. It's hurt a lot of young girls and young boys, and grown-ass men and women who never outgrew it.

25. People tend to be very kind to me and people tend to treat me very well. There is not a day that goes by that I don't know this. My most difficult days haven't been hard. There have been people who have made investments in me that I can never pay back. So it's really hit me since before graduation that my life's work is to pay it forward.