Week 1

Week 3 11/22/13 8:37 p.m.

My friend, Lan, sent me this poem.

'There is you and you
This a relationship
It is the most important relationship'

Something to keep in mind.

And music, the healer of all things.

Kanye West "Bad News"
Sade "No Ordinary Love"
Wale "Diary"
No Doubt "Don't Speak"
Rihanna "Stay"
NaS "Roses"

"You were always where I needed you to be whether you were there or not there." - J. Cole "Born Sinner"

Still,
with the music,
the wine,
the books,
the treadmills,
I miss him. It doesn't sting so much as it lingers while it lingers on stinging.

I've decided though that this will be the last week... and back to other things, maybe more distracting things, like the trend of condescension from white rappers/singers about hip hop culture that masks itself as anti-materialism. Ha, well, at least that part of me remains.

Week 2
10:13 November 16, 2013

It amazes me how durable the human heart is.
It amazes me that even when, and perhaps most when, I find myself in a place of uncertainty, I am still capable of producing love and empathy.
When the anger passes, those feelings remain the foundation and the driver  of all things. I am not alone in this. It is not unique to me. I find this amongst most women.
When I am angry, I elude to the fact that women love, and they are often drained of love, hurt by their love, but they continue to choose love rather than any alternative.
It is my opinion that a woman is capable of feeling the scars that her brother and her partner feels. It is my opinion that she is capable of feeling his loneliness, his uncertainty, his fears.
It is my opinion that it is a burden, but it is good, because it makes women capable of understanding and vulnerability and of effortlessly producing support... which produces love.
I would be nothing if I could not see and feel from another perspective. Take a step back and think from the mind of a man. I would be angry. I would not forgive. I am allowed to be. But anger is poisonous.
 ---
I am well aware of my womanhood.
I am a little mad at it, not so much for the sexism, or gender hierarchy, or ignorance, or inequality-- those are just battles to advocate against-- to make better for future generations of girls.

No, I'm mad at womenhood because of the additional burdensssss we place upon ourselves, the additional sacrificessss we make even when we know better.

J. Cole wrote "Women's curse is birth" and, it's probably true. Would the world spin around if we didn't give up of ourselves what a man needs to survive and thrive?
Do we ask of the same in return? No... not really, we have that capacity within us. Would it be nice and considerate and fair? Sure, but I don't think they have that strength and We like the burdens. We like to push them to success, they too, maybe, perhaps, would like to see us climb... but they are afraid to spend the time and energy to boost for
what if that takes away from them?

And I think, I know, that's why I'm so fucking mad at him.  I am allowed to be. And maybe at me for expecting different.

--

I used to cut up my rambling free-writes into segments and call it "writing." I don't edit. You can't edit something that your soul vomits out. Ugly or good, the practice proves to oxgenate me the way running always has.

11/8/13 11:14 p.m.

The soul is strong.
After heartbreak, it is able to replenish itself.
The soul is especially strong for womenkind
For She
is the one who sacrifices herself for men
Like a well, drained of water, emptied and
drained again.

What a beauty a full well
would be untampered with
A fat watery well__ even fed with clear,
vital
vibrant water?
But like Mother Earth, her well is emptied and recharged, emptied and recharged.

The feeders are fat, and growing, and selfish.
She is unconditionally exhuasted.
They never give back.