Love as a Young Woman

"Then another one bites the dust

It's hard to lose the chosen one" -Sia

There are so many nice things about being in love. The connection. The companionship. The understanding of where the other person comes from and vice versa. The butterflies. The elation. Sex>>>> The idea of a future with children and success. The cute pictures on social media. The stories to share with friends and family. And best yet, someone to get drunk with.

And... all of those things are just perfect... except that they're wholly incomplete. Especially when you're a young woman like me, and you are uncertain about if you're actually intelligent at all, and you wonder whether you will get to where you need to be to feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction and... adulthood.

All of those things are subconscious of course. Inferiority is subconscious as well as a bliss created from being in love.

Other things are more difficult. I've been in and out of college for so long, and I'll be there for so much longer. In and out, one foot in the door job, and then another, learning a little bit along the way of each, and moving in the right direction to be sure, but moving at the pace of a snail. And I was ok with it as long as I could see the big picture. Satisfaction came with a compromise that at least I may have my ensured bliss. And that compromise seemed to be right with each partner I've ever loved, that as long as I worked for that mutual partnership, that other things would come along. 

And I worked quite hard for those partnerships but, I think I've got the process backwards. 

Because the partnerships were never mutual. Because my partners, though delightful, always understood clearly what came first, and what would naturally come along, after they've gotten themselves and their careers and life and emotional self on track. They understood the progression, and they understood the capacity of their hearts and how they needed to allocate that capacity.

It amazes me how that comes so clearly and easily to men. The order of things. The confidence that things that should come, will come, and that things that need to be addressed NOW will be pursued at all costs. It amazes me sometimes how men can take their human vulnerability, and just squash it as though it never existed, in pursuit of their ambition.

While as women, sometimes we compromise. Our ability is the same, if not greater. Our intelligence is the same, if not greater. And yet, we compromise for the idea of a potential family at such a young age because that's what society tells us we're supposed to do. Because sometimes we think that if we are happy with our partner, that other things will just naturally fall into place. But I swear, it's backward. Happiness is now, our legacy is forever.

The men in my life knew that all along even when I didn't. 

They kept telling me, "My, I don't want to hold you back." And I kept asking, consistently, "from what? I can do it all! I believe that I can!" Yet with each step of "it all," there was a sense that the steps were incrementally smaller and less bold than perhaps they could have been without my partner, and with each step there were subconscious considerations of what this may mean for my blissful love, and my amazing partnership. But with my partners, there was never that consideration.

I admire them for that. For being brave. For knowing what their life requires of them. For knowing that love is around the corner once they've shaped their lives.

Not that men don't love, but in "House of Cards," the character Remy Danton sums it up when he says to his ex "I've loved people before and I've learned to let them go." There's a nugget of truth to HOW important that statement is.

But I also know that in society men aren't asked to make the same considerations as women. No one ever asks a man how he could "do it all." No one ever asks a man who will take care of his wife or look after his kids while he's at work. (I'm only young for so long before even more sacrifices and considerations are asked of me.) But all of that aside, I think us women, we need to be brave too. Not to say that we need to be career/ school driven robots, just that we need to have confidence in ourselves too. We need to not be so willing to compromise our need to climb the ladder and our need for knowledge, because we might miss an opportunity for a soul mate if we strive for those things. Whenever someone leaves me, I am inconsolably upset for much longer than necessary, but then I realize, this is good because I am still a child who has not yet achieved anything yet I'm spending time thinking of myself as a domesticated adult with this other person who is actually working toward the adulthood of his dreams. That's what made me fall for these men in the first place, their undeniable ambition. 

 

Loving yourself is hard as a young woman. Learning to be by yourself is hard as a young woman, especially sitting in that space and facing it heart on. Daring to do things that make your heart pitter patter is even harder. (I love Anthropology. I love learning more and more about race and racial injustice and speaking up about it. I love womenhood. I love being around children. I love music. I love to rant and write. I love educating myself.) It's hard to comprehend that you shouldn't always be the one compromising, that compromise doesn't necessarily lead to the right choices or to happiness, especially when you see that your partner doesn't compromise and he's right not to.

But hard is necessary.

Because the world loves women. The world will take a woman's energy and give it back to her when it deems appropriate. It's a hard pill to swallow some days but I know that it's true.

Being in love is so beautiful man. It's those romance movies ten times over, it's not an over exaggeration. But love blind. The right love is hard. And making the right decisions is hard. And being patient with love is hard.

Amel Larrieux wrote a real woman's song with this one. 

 

"You stay on the grind, I'm always available." -Jhene Aiko

P.S. This post is so fucking sappy. I have some difficulty with the vulnerability of my human emotions and the softness and vulnerability of my human flesh. I frankly don't like it much. But sometimes I realize that owning and appreciating that vulnerability is healthy because it makes me realize that I am complex, just like any other human being. I'm too hard on myself when I waste my tears, when I make the wrong decisions, (another thing that women as a whole do), but I need to learn how to forgive myself and understand why those decisions were made, and to understand that my emotions and actions were valid during those periods in my life, as they always are. But moving forward, I need to at least consider me, and whatever intelligence I do have, and to not think about compromising. I don't do that enough.

P.S. I'm realizing that the way I write reinforces the gender binary of society. I'm working on that.