On Process

"Listen, this is a meditation for me
A practice of being present
There's no where I need to be, except right here with you
Except right here with you
Foldin' clothes, watching Netflix
Catching up on our shows, eating breakfast
Raisin Bran in my bowl with bananas and some almond milk
I never thought I'd see the day I'm drinking almond milk
You soft!" -J. Cole Folding Clothes

Whatever it is that I do, I want to set off running, sprinting. I'm ready to jump head first into this world and lay claim to all the things I want, whether it's love or freedom, adventure or growth, and most importantly, expansion. The past few years in particular have introduced complexities that slow the process and pushed me to grapple with what pace I'm willing to go, in order to also stay in the place I love (Boston), and bring along the people I love.

Comedian Phoebe Robinson said it so eloquently when she gave advice about letting go of the word "should." We ought to let go of the idea that just because the world tells us that we should have certain things or do certain by certain ages, that that is our destiny. We should go to college, we should get married, we should have children, we should own a home.... the societal norms are obviously projection and trash, but even more than that, it doesn't take into account that we don't control other people and their lives too are a process that they're working through. And... at the end of the day, we don't need everyone but we do need people, the type of people who grow into better versions of themselves through time.

That's hard for someone who has goals informed by the American dream that my parents and grandparents worked so hard for, so that I could have a substantially higher opportunity to realize it. 

I've been thinking a lot about joy, and how it's come so much more easily this year than it ever had.I think it's come easier this year because vulnerability has come easier and I'm not as afraid of being naive. If I trust people, I trust people but I learn my lesson eventually and more often than not, the people began as good and whole anyways. That skepticism is really against courage, optimism, and love.

But that too, is a negotiation, a compromise, a process. I'm pushing hard for the space I deserve in this world and in people's hearts, while still LISTENING to where they are in the process and consistently figuring out if that space is available.... when to fight, when to leave.

At 31, I should be married and have a house and two kids and a six figure salary but I'm happy, youthful, and growing.... and loving. And I think that counts for a lot.


"I'm on the way
We ain't got no time to waste
Popping your gum on the way (love me)
Am I in the way?
I don't want to pressure you none
I want your blessing today (love me)
Oh by the way, open the door by the way
Told you that I'm on the way (love me)
I'm on the way, I know connection is vague
Pick up the phone for me babe (love me)" -Kendrick Lamar Love