Dates

May 3, 2020

10:13 p.m.

Three nights ago, I had a dream about him and I wonder if that has to do with the sticking point of compatibility. The dream was very vivid. We were driving through a well-lit bridge at 2 a.m.-- bright lights, like a music video. We arrived at his place and... I think we made love. I don't remember that point so clearly. Usually, after we make love, I leave or he leaves, depending on whose house-- and it was a lovely house, not apartment in the dream.

But he asked me to stay with him.
And in the morning he was dead, the place burned down, and there was a murder mystery that ensued!

Had I done it? Had someone else? Had fate? What happened after that beautiful night that was all I wanted in real life? Was it symbolic?

A few nights later I watched the teen drama "Never Had I Ever" on Netflix where the lead actress was being driven home through a well-lit freeway. The actress was looking to hold the actor's hand-- wondering if she could or should. That angst, that excitement, that energy of 2 people in a car, I've been there.

Doing all you can but knowing you don't have access to a person's value of you or their innermost thoughts. I've taken these car rides starting with bad, run-down cars with a hot 19 year-old, to a fancy yet old car in Rwanda... dudes drive TOO FAST....... to a more sensible car in the Field's Corner area of Dorchester, I was in it after just one night, he was brave!

And lastly, a Mercedez with a bike rack on top.
Each time, they always feel like ... "is he gonna hold my hand? Will I have butterflies? Can I wipe off this annoying smile? Is he gonna kiss me? Will he drive just a little too fast and we live on the edge a little bit?" Every time!

I must have cried after that series for an hour at 4:30 a.m. because those moments are the moments that define so much and I don't realize it, or realize when they'll come back until quarantine.

Sometimes those cries and those dreams are really healthy, a moment of release and reflection, and a moment to reconcile with what a person can and can't control but knowing the moments before that were building blocks and part of that journey was beautiful. The butterflies can to be felt so vividly in a dream that I felt awake! And the destination... well, we haven't gotten there yet.