On Self-Sustenance, Joy, and One's 30's

February 14, 2021

V-Day. 

Life comes in waves but the baseline for those waves seem to shift with time. For me, in my 20's, the highs were really high and the lows were excruciating. 

It's a unique concept because the 20's is when people are the most beautiful, the most energetic, and just beginning their lives with boundless potential. But the pain, the insecurity, the ups and downs, and the emotions seem overpowering. 

I remember it and I see clearly in people who are a few years younger than me at work and in my person life. I wonder if that's a rite of passage, though I hope it isn't. I wonder if it's because we don't equip young people with enough coping mechanisms, enough self-esteem, enough breath to breathe in the good and out the bad and keep it moving. 

I see a lot of sadness bought on by systematic inequities when it comes to a lack of respect and opportunities for young people, which is only compounded by internal sabotage and treachery, whether that be implicit or explicit. 

Every person has to go through their journey and open and explore their own wounds in order to heal, I think. You can't protect people from that, but it's probably worthwhile to invest in reducing the amount of landfills, metaphorically speaking, in front of people. Particularly in this pandemic. The generation has the fire of people in the 60s, the absolution, and the pain. 

What I learned in my 30's is that joy is deliberate and you have to choose it. You have to wake up in the morning and say I'm going to smile, I'm going to be nice to myself, I'm going to have cake. I'm going to thank my toes and my thighs and my fingers and my nose for being part of my temple. I like the way my voice sounds in recordings. I'm not going to belittle myself to play humble. I'm going to laugh out loud when something is funny. I have control of that and I'm also going to change the things I don't like instead of sulking. I'm going to speak to people in a language they understand and I'm also going to give room for nuance in discussions and show grace for people as I hope they do for me and my mistakes.

In my 20's, it was about, I like you if you're like me. In my 30's, it's about, I like you if you can find space to hear me. We don't exist in instagram quotes, we exist in the messiness of real life. 

With grace, also comes the understanding that I can control my emotions and I can make myself happy, regardless of whatever journey another person may take in their own time.

 Some years, Valentines and Christmas and New Year are nice and some years they are hard. I am corny. I love celebration. I remember every date. I remember moments. I love giving and getting presents but more than that, I love conversations.  I'm a romantic. All of that is a volatile recipe in the 20's; I can't imagine surviving this pandemic in my 20's but in my 30's it's about laying out what I need,  doing my own part to cultivate my own joy, being ok with being slightly bummed if people don't meet expectations, but being able to pick myself right back up.

I'm spiritual in a way where I believe that good things lead to good things anyways, in due time. 

The 30's is forgiving Taylor Swift for her cultural appropriation and allowing her to grow into an ally. 20's My would never have done that.

 The 30's is watching shows and crying and giggling about your corniness afterwards.

The 30's is wearing make-up in your own house when no one is watching because you love yourself.  

The 30's is thinking about NaS and what those mistakes and transgressions mean for women, for Black women, in comparison how the story telling of marginalized voices are needed.

Now that I've worked in Dorchester for 4 years in addition to my few years in D.C., I see how so many of my students are so much quicker than I am, They keep me on my feet. They have an inherent, spiritual intelligence. And yet, the barriers they face are real ones which pissed me off when I entered the field. More and more, I now realize how to divert that annoyance into different avenues that can spur action. I'm no longer so overwhelmed by the size and scope of the issue and of the inequity.

 People say I'm chill. I am chill. Not as chill as a fuckboy, but chill nonetheless. Good things are coming.