Confession

I don't think there is anything that causes me more pain than my honesty. I attract the weak and dishonest to me and overwhelm them with my honesty because I have nowhere else to use the energy. I naively perceive that they have strength and honesty within themselves as well. I am not a Messiah. How at 20 does one love men so much and hate men so much? I hate men so much; unbelievable. My life is a living contradiction; I am sad without them. I am too prideful yet too needy, too persistent but not persistent enough to figure out what I actually want, just what I think I want.

I miss you Josh; you make me go crazy and do things I thought I'd never do, half throw myself at people, half keeping my guard up and to keep them away. I hear certain songs and I think of you; but like I crazily told and scared off this person without prompting, my friend is pregnant probably with a baby by a bastard. I've seen too many girls crying over relationships, feel pressured to have sex, cheated on, be unvalued........ it hits too close to home. You're a bastard, and I keep telling myself that because I don't know whether you are dead or alive, or dead while alive, that I have reason to miss you. I am so silly. Brittany laughs at my philosophy of 'there is no bad people just bad circumstances', it is naive, it is idealistic. I wish I could get rid of that but that means giving up hope on people. That's a hard thing to do.

It's not like people read these blogs so I don't believe it's a big risk to say I miss you. You make me lonely, you hurt me, you make me go insane. I am a smart, unneedy person who hates men, but I am also a walking contradiction.