Rain

'And foreva in debt, that's neva a good thing
To the pressure for success can put a big strain
On a friend you call best and yes it could bring
Out the worst in every person, even the good an' sane'

Strawberries and grapes dipped in peanut butter is divine after a six mile jog in the rain and cold shower. That aspect of life brings so much stable relief after a stressful summer where I've decided to entirely overhaul my plans and start anew.

The MP3 is blasting. The destination is marked and there's nothing that can stop me from getting there. Sometimes I wish life was a little like that.

Three years ago, I wrote about how my life feels unfulfilling in Portland. I'm sitting at my parent's laundromat today, feeling the exact same way. There's so much I want to leave behind and nothing I'm afraid to leave behind. At 21, being unproductive, secure by the care of my parents; my life is wasting away.

My parents are happy with the quiet life; I'm happy for them but I'm not in my 40s, I haven't found love or developed a family.

It makes me wonder why it often takes a life threatening situation to get people to go out and want to live their lives to the fullest. People settle for so little. It's either that or I'm impossible to please, I desire so much that my mentor warns me that I never live in the moment, never enjoy everything I'm given, I may never be happy.

I won't settle for journalism, it doesn't bring a smile to my face. I've been thinking about teaching, law school, or social work a lot lately. The premise of journalsim is great, studying and writing about different cultures, but it seems like many newspapers are none too interested; social issues are for social scientists I suppose. As long as it bleeds it leads.

Maybe after Colby, it's time to leave Maine once and for all. I'm afraid of limited possibilities. The saying goes "Live life with no regrets" but if I'm immersed in one career that only makes me partially happy-- what if I leave behind a list of other possibilities. The yearning of course is to eventually be happy and satisfied.

Robin wonders if it'll take a relationship to satisfy me. The answer is emphatically no. I think she brings it up because I never seem to enjoy much of anything and I seem to be moving backward. I think the very concept is unfortunate but I can't say that it's not a peice of the puzzle.

All of a sudden there's a lot going on, a lot to figure out and a feeling that I need to move because I can't seem to find my happiness and myself here.