Thinking

"I swam across
I jumped across-- for you
oh what a thing to do
Cos you were all yellow" -Coldplay (Their simplicity is legendary)

I want to go kayaking. Kayaking seems fun, free, even a little dangerous. I want to bartend, for at least one summer and talk to people in their drunken state when they're most honest. I want to observe; I want to figure out why people go; I want to learn how to make drinks and have awesome conversations. I wonder if bartenders have to be a bit thinner though.

I'm up to a size six. My brother plays with my arm like it's a pendulum. Maybe perfect teeth and size four would get me a somewhat suggestive bartending job, but I may just be thinking about hooters. But that's not a reason I wanted to run a marathon. I want to do it because I don't think I can do it and the idea of running 26 miles is odd to me, like a waste of time, but freeing, fulfulling, thought-evoking. There's something about being drenched in sweat, heading toward a destination that just seems too far away, and not doing anything with yourself but running appeals to me.

Just some of the things I want to do before I graduate Colby. I have a lot to think about; I like to find escape routes but at the same time I like the idea of having escape routes that make me stop and think. Hmm.

I suppose anything I do would be alright with my mother and brother. But then there are others, namely my grandmother. Sometimes I wonder what that decision; to move here, is like. I guess she fears that the Vietnamese people here will get the wrong impression and think that I'm biased against them. Maybe she thinks I would be more protected and have a better sense of belonging if I were to care about and get along with more Vietnamese folks here. Or maybe what's more depressing is that I found a niche somewhere else and that everything here is Americanized, except for that generation-- and it's not their home here and their grandchildren aren't doing much to change that. I wonder what that might be like- not being able to stop what's inevitable. She knows she's leaving, she knows what she's leaving behind, she knows she can't change it and she's the only one that wants to.

Things to think about. We're branching out, in 60 years this branch will all be American. So I want to go bartending, running marathons and kayaking to have a bit of that control for myself. Do things I want to, control my own ambitions before others around me can drown out my ambitions with their newer, more real ambitions. I guess my mind is putting the pressure on me to grab it while I selfishly still can, when I matter so much to myself, and where my opinion of what to do with me, while I'm still young and confused, still makes up the majority of the vote.

Crazy ambitions like being with someone in his 30s.

Immersed in the eyes of actors.
portraying Nicholas Sparks novels.
A voice raspy yet calm.
A smile, soft, yet it is the eyes that lead to it
to differentiate his yearnings from mischief
my romance from lust.

Sometimes the rain is too much but every once in a while I adore it. It's cold and its noise is so serene, no one minds or pays attention to it at first but if it lingers for hours and days, somehow it makes us feel its sadness.

I want to know what it's like to be with a man that's older, to feel the potential wisdom of it all, to know what it's like to be with someone who is at a place of stability and knows himself well. I want to be in contact with life wisdom instead of the confusion and the playboy behaviors people my age enact in.

I wonder what it's like be in your 30s and not have had a relationship that's lasted yet still be okay because I want to see that perspective, seeing the strength of people and unconsciously hoping that it may strengthen me.

It's August 30th, I'm good with landmarks and dates. It's a special day and one meant for these types of thoughts.