Miller

A part of me will open the mam phys book soon enough
but I'm thinking be here, be here
because the nights are brutal and I'm here, I'm here
I have too much on my plate so I'm here, I'm here
I don't get enough sleep so I'm a little worn out
And I dread the walk back in the night pitch black
In the air so frigid,
It cracks my knuckles,
chatters my teeth,
reddens my cheeks,
And the ten minute walk feels like eternal winter where the snow never melts
and I'm one girl countering the forces of nature
It's got me kind of down

All I'm thinking is be here be here
So I don't have to walk back... 'least not by myself.
Comfort me with the truth and the human side;
hot and numb like a third degree burn or hot and heavy...
away from the abstract facts of what heat represents in chemistry
The nights are brutal, I'm thinking be here, be here
I'm tired... I can't sleep without you here, you here.
I'll never admit my weakness with you here, you here...
but you suck at reading in a room full of silence... like a stranger...
I'm not a stone, you're not a climber.
The night is pitch black and you can't see that it scares me?

no matter how harsh your words
Speak
to lighten up my path

- I have 90 pages and at least three hours staring me down in the glorious Miller Library.

Since my dear friend Brittany follows this masterpiece, I feel the unprompted desire to assure you that I am not nearly this strange- my head may be awkward but I'd like to think I pull off normal kind of nicely.

Revelations...
I'm glad that normality and a sense of reason are such persistent things. As reluctant as I am to accept them, they always come knocking, it's almost comforting and endearing that they never allow me to fall too hard. Because I suppose I can't, I finished my mile high 'to do' list this weekend, and just as it was completed, another one was waiting at my door... the distractions of the right sort come at the right time.

God, I am turning 21 this summer! 21, I do not feel that old for one second, my personality still renders me 15 at times. But I'm thinking, with the advice of one beautiful and wise Robin Schafer that I might move to Boston and take up my internship there... or another city. I had intended on not staying home this summer, perhaps just living here on campus, being on my own for the first time.... yet it might be too safe. And maybe I want to explore a bit, it's a little nerve-racking to think that from now on, I won't be home much. On my own, creating my own bonds, testing my greenness, scary thoughts for sure. We'll see what happens with that, though I've got to get on it... living arrangements etc. I'm also nearly done with study abroad applications... one semester in traveling the world... how amazing is that? I'm so scared, excited beyond words.

So after hugs and congratulations, the conversation with my Colby mom surrounded her curiosity and concern as to why I would downplay getting this grant. And I defiantly said "I'm not, many people do many great things, it's not exceptional at Colby." I wanted to be even more so defiant, I would travel the world, adopt babies, write about injustices... take risks... my silliness is not that high on my priorities. But Ms. Schafer gave me the eye and the look that said she wasn't buying an ounce of it, though it might be true, she said "I haven't seen you ecstatic about anything in while, I know what will get you excited....you're regressing my dear, don't let it happen!" Gah... It's like Robin Schafer reads me like a book. Though I don't think it's completely true, I ask for acknowledgement (an acknowledgement that I'm not intimidating), but I don't ask for people to fill my necessities. Just the necessity to not feel intimidating, if that makes sense. I don't know that I would even call them needs-- because I do want to travel the world and adopt five babies-- so needs vary-- motivation to always go onward- though security (as the word suggests) is safe and comforting. I think the point of this post is that I love Robin Schafer and normality is coming back... little by little... sometimes that's good, sometimes it's not but I can definitely say without a doubt that my life has been at a very good place for quite a long time now, and for that I am thankful. Just because one only writes poetry when she's a little down, doesn't mean she's down all the time Brittany Gordon! I love you! Now back to work.