Retract

"It's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now" Taylor Swift

Sometimes, my mean streak just spews out. I get a little wise and a little cold but always immediately after I retract. Very rarely do I ever get angry in a confrontational way, but it's worse when the negative energy inside is transparent on the outside.

I'm walking a narrow line. There are 3 options, I could say that it doesn't matter because I don't have energy to put to into caring about these things anyways, they're little, who cares? The second option is, "ok, I'm going to confront this because I wouldn't have reason to think about this if it didn't matter, I am upset." The third option is not forget but to not get angry as well, but to know that it's wrong, but to remain sweet and kind and work to always get rid of the mean streak.

When I can, I try desperately to keep to the third option, but I have seen that in order to remain sane, I visit the other two periodically. They're easier but..... of course things matter, of course I don't want to be an angry or confrontational person, so I "forget" or "act like things didn't happen" to uphold my positive view of people, (especially of people I like) and to act as warm and kind as I did before this something occured that upset me.

It works to a certain extent but occassionally it crashes and burns. They're easy but most of the embarrassing and stupid moments come when I pretend like something isn't important, or I make it so evident with my anger that it is important. They both lead to a coldness that others may or may not notice, but I notice and hate. I want to think that just because someone does something that I perceive as wrong, it doesn't say anything about their character or why I liked their character in the first place. Them being good or bad is not a matter of whether I am pleased or unpleased by their actions.

I don't know, the tragedy and the idea that makes me sigh constantly is that in order to overcome any potential negative opinion of people, or rudeness to people, I retract. I "forget" and I say something nice, or do something nice............. therefore, since they've already not acknowledged any wrongdoing, my actions gives them an incentive to never acknowledge anything. Or it gives them a pass to do it again- knowing I won't judge them, knowing that I'll take it, knowing that just because I may feel like they're wrong to me, that I may not think that they're necessarily wrong in general.

But the crash and burn comes from me not giving warrant to my own feelings of being slighted. So of course occassionally I get either kind of feisty or cold. It's probably a defense mechanism which protects me from my feelings of constantly feeling like I'm walked over. Worse than that, is the feeling that I welcome it, or live for it, or somehow think I'm a better person for it. I suppose I was sweet last night because I wanted to be, and I respect people, but I'm still trying to wage the battle between that and how to acknowledge myself as a person. When am I going to allow myself to escape from this ronde vu? I feel like everytime I let something fly; knowing internally I shouldn't, it makes future friendships harder for me to an extent, but more so for others who try to get close to me.

Ok poem....... I don't know if it's going to be a free writing poem, or a real poem, here goes.

If you would let me speak,
after being mum through the cycles of history
If I may speak past ingrained assumptions
and compete with minds reading minds

There's no mindreader in sight...

If you would let me speak.
Hear me out
My voice is softer than that of a person looking down from a pedastal
My heart is softer than stuck up
I listen, for my life is an open book that your words run through
and upon my wall I've built you foot petals

If you would let me speak........
Not from high level, or my level
for I left untouched petals there
knowing that I would have to leave my safe air
and climb to ground level
To not seem stuck........up

If you would let me speak...
My skin is composed from layers of fishnets
And my eyes glare through a field anew
My mind is milder than to pass judgement
My hands are weaker than to inflict pain

If you would let me speak.......
If only you could listen
I come with no intentions
Undefined and bare

I come with no damnations
no demands
or needs for promises
I come simply open
away from the high fields keeping my mind at rest
to volatile ground levels
underneath my layers of intimidation..... tears.....
call it stress

I come with no damnations
As I lay myself exposed.....
to keep overselves from doing the tango of confusion
If you would let me speak