Justin Chambers

"So breathe, mami, it's deserved
You've been put on this earth to be all you can be like the reserves,
And me? My time in the army is served,
so I have to allow she her time to serve.
The time's now for her,
In time she'll mature,
And maybe we can be we again like we were." Jay Z

I have the urge to make it right, but the sense to let it be.

My favorite character in Grey's Anatomy, Alex, is played by Justin Chambers. Watching the show with a group of females can be difficult when each of them insists he's an asshole, while, I, on the otherhand take a liking to his directness and his assertiveness. I find the theory of guys who do nothing besides sweet talk and lip service... well to be honest... disturbing. But maybe that's my issue. As into research about boy culture as am, knowing that the pressure toward masculinity is the root of many problems, I know I still buy into that and am attracted to ONLY that.

A man is direct and has an unwavering stance. He is a leader. He does not bite his tongue. He is intelligent and he does not doubt his intelligence. He can go one on one with me in an argument and not back down. He can articulate his intelligence. Though he must be stronger in mind than in body, (the gigantic bodies of wrestlers/ football players/ weight lifters.... not good!), he must also personify a presentable image. Thus, I buy into the masculinized culture and the pressure this puts boys who don't fit into that box under. Because I can't help but like the strength, intensity and seriousness which a certain amount of them possess. I say "um" a lot, but I don't like hearing it. I don't like them younger and immature, I like a bit older, a bit wiser, with the capabilities of handling responsibility. I respect those who air out their feelings instead of deciding for me, how to protect me, from what they feel.

It might be bad, liking the stereotypical man of few words, who does what he wants, when he wants, how he wants. There's something about being proud of oneself and not needing the permission from anyone to be oneself that has always caught me. And I can't quite wrap my head around the fact of why people think of that as men "being assholes." No, those who act nice around you while purposely playing you (or being too chicken to tell you that they're playing you) are the assholes, but I'm probably just defending my taste to my friends, family, and those who are out there looking out for my best interest.

And there's also the theory that, being real, as much of an "asshole" as it makes one at times, when such person is kind, because they are real, it makes the kindness genuine. I've let matters slide for a long time in a lot of situations, conceded a lot to boys, but they know what they want, and for the most part I don't blame them The white boys (in my situation at least) tend to run scared, unable to deal with it (not that I hate white men, and not that men don't have the right to complain about things going on in their lives and what bothers them... but damn... maybe I'm horrible because I typically am turned off by males being needy- or maybe I'm just very picky with who is allowed to show me their neediness... probably both). Men of color... on the otherhand...well... at least their actions and sometimes words are honest.

Nonetheless, Justin Chambers is a gorgeous white man, and he seems to be badass as well. I only have one test and packing before I leave.... many papers to fill out before I am allowed to travel with IHP... and I think about that and all I'll do, and I realize my life is just beginning. And some exstitential thing tests me with these really hard exams but I'm more than ok... I'm blessed. One can't be strong if she doesn't face some adversity, prevail through some awkwardness.